


Mad World

by Pinkcess, Transformabae



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bad Pick-Up Lines, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Cas tops everybody, Crack, Dean Loves Disney, Dean and Cas think they're subtle but they're really not, Jock Raphael, Lucifer and Michael are out of the Cage for some reason, Lucifer stole a house, Mating Dance, Multi, Nerd Dean, Out of Character, Polyamory, Punk Castiel, Sam Loves Marina and The Diamonds, Sam Reads Fanfiction, Sam is into weird stuff, Sam ships Destiel, Sassmaster Gabriel, Slightly Sexual Situations, Suddenly Highschool AU, The other archangels are part of the cockblock squad, awkward dirty talking, corny love confessions, in which no one wants to be Crowley, more pairings and tags to be added, no peace for Luci and Sam, possessive!lucifer, sudden marriage proposal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-12
Updated: 2015-08-05
Packaged: 2018-03-17 13:08:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 30,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3530540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pinkcess/pseuds/Pinkcess, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Transformabae/pseuds/Transformabae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A normal morning for the Winchester household. A world where Destiel is real and Samifer thrives. Gabriel tries his hand at becoming a pimp. Michael is the crazy cat lady of the group, professed mother of Dean, and expert sex therapist. Crowley has unfinished business to do and Adam thinks they're all idiots.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And So It Begins

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to just state here that this is pure crack written for fun, it's not supposed to make too much sense. Have fun!  
> \- Written by the craziest people ever on sleep deprivation.

**Chapter One - And So It Begins**

“Sam! Pay attention to me... I’m bored!” Lucifer sat upon a high stacked topple of books, balancing carefully on the red velvet pile. Lucifer pouted, cocking his head to the left to represent a great dane. Sam looked up from his laptop (he wasn’t reading explicit Samifer, no way) and eyed the Archangel in a calculating fashion. Lucifer mimicked the fashionable glare proceeded to jump down and sit suggestively in the chair opposite.

The hunter arched an eyebrow, “What do you want?”

“What I’ve always wanted, Bunk Buddy.” Lucifer mimicked the eyebrow once more.

“That’s not a very helpful statement...”

“Your _face_ isn't a very helpful statement.”

“That is the _worst_ comeback I’ve ever heard.” Sam muttered, going back to reading his totally-not-smut. Lucifer slowly closed the laptop with a singular finger before sighing deeply.

“Your inside feeling must be released Sammy, you can't sit at the computer all day and think about it. You must...act on it!” Of course, as Dean was his big brother and greatest inspiration, Sam did what he was taught best - _DENY EVERYTHING GAY_.

“I have no idea what you’re on about.”

“Sam, we’re two of a kind! I know what you think, I know what you do. Stop reading fanfiction!” Lucifer smiled softly with a patronising tone.

Sam blushed like a furious tsundere, glaring at the other “... I-I’m not, Luce…”

“I know your heart screams out for it, but you need to admit it to yourself. Destiel isn't real!”

Sam frowned. “Okay, first - you’re wrong. Have you _seen_ the way Cas and Dean look at each other? They _gently eye-fuck_. They’re fucking canon… and fucking in canon, okay? Also, I wasn’t reading Destiel…” his blush returned.

“That’s the first stage of grief, denial!” A sadistic smile formed across the angel’s face.

“Oh my god!” Sam shouted in exasperation. “How many times must I spell it out? Dean and Cas are _gay as hell_ for each other!”

From across the room, Sam could hear Dean mumble a half-hearted, “We’re not like that…”

Cas nodded subtly at Dean in mutual agreement. “So not gay…” Cas smiled sleepily as he cuddled into Dean’s chest.

“... See?” Sam whispered.

Lucifer swivelled the laptop onto his knee and yawned as he pulled up Sam’s Website History. “Destiel… Samifestial… Princess Bubblegum's Sweet Palace..?” Lucifer looked up casually from the screen, arching a brow. “You appear to have a Cas kink…” A smirk appeared.

“... Not a Cas kink…” Sam mumbled, flushing bright scarlet. “It’s an angel kink.”

"Doesn't that include wing-kink..?” Lucifer held in laughter. Sam stayed silent, staring at the floor, trying to will his blush away.

“Bunk Buddy is into wing-kink!” Lucifer closed the lid of the laptop before lying his head gently on the table, and began to laugh.

“... wanttogiveitago?” Sam spluttered all in one.

“You’ll have to speak up! I can’t heeeear you!” Lucifer mocked.

Sam cleared his throat, “Uh, you want to… uh.. give it a go?”

“Aw, _gross,_ Sammy!” Dean complained.

“Hippocrite, we did it last night... mid air... flying naked in money, as we became one...” Cas said bluntly.

Dean fell off of his chair, “Cas!”

“What did I say?”

Sam smirked, “Told you it was canon.”

“So, Sammy boy wants to be the wing-kinky boy?” Lucifer chuckled.

“... Let me be… your _wing_ -man.” Dean groaned at Sam's terrible attempt at flirtation.

Castiel’s voice boomed from across the room. “It feels better if you stroke it with your phallic objects! Dean has a very lovely-”

“Shut it, Cas!”

“But Dean!”

“ _Quiet,_ Cas!”

“Fine,” The angel growled, his dom eyebrow quirking. “But you’ll pay for your disrespect later…” Dean shuddered.

“So, Bunk Buddy wants wing-kink. 5 minutes ago you hated me, why the change of opinion?” Another insane smile from the fallen angel.

"No, Lucifer,” Sam paused dramatically, eyes darting up to meet those of the Fallen. Time slowed down as their eyes locked and Sam felt something pool deep within his stomach (s _emen?... go get that checked out, Sam… Semen does not come from your stomach..._ Oh... emotions!), ”I luuu- luuuuu- luuuuu-”

Lucifer simply stared at the Winchester, dumbfounded. “You what?”

“I love you, you piece of shit!” Ignoring the crude after statement, the fallen archangel paused slightly. Taken aback by the vessel’s expression, Lucifer bowed his head in contemplation.

“I know your interests are very… singular. But I don’t care!” Sam exclaimed boldly. Still no answer came from the archangel. Sam inhaled deeply, steeling his nerves. He took a step towards the archangel, grabbed him by his shirt and shouted in his face, “I WANT YOU INSIDE ME!” paused, then hastily tacked on; "Not in the vessel way."

“Damn it, Sammy!” Was shouted from the other side of the room. Dean clearly didn’t think Sam was very smooth with pick up lines.

“One week ago, I tortured you. I worshipped you, now you’re saying you want an assfuck by the Devil Himself?”

Sam nodded.

“Well, he always has been one kinky sonovabitch.” Dean muttered.

“Dean, on the path of the lord, a man must find his own pa-” Castiel was interrupted.

“Blow me, Cas.” Dean sighed, annoyed at the Seraphim and his long-winded way of speech… even if it was adorkable. He so _did not_ just think that. Ugh, damn chick-flick moment.

“Well, if you wish…” Cas mumbled, confused.

“It wasn't literal!” Dean snapped, covering his silly angel’s mouth and watching the drama between his brother and Satan unfold.

“Erm, continuing... Sammy, A real reason, after all of…” Lucifer gestured to himself. “...this. Why do you l-l-ov.” Lucifer couldn’t get the words out.

“This is better than T.V.” Cas whispered to Dean, but Dean hushed him.

“You _understand_ me.” Sam said, simply.

“Of course I do, we are one. But that doesn’t explain how you can forgive what has happened between us.”

Sam paused, considering his next words carefully. “When Dean says I’m one hell of a kinky sonovabitch… he means seriously… like, _really_. Did you know I had sex with myself when I was soulless? Managed to bribe Balthazar into teleporting me back in time…”

“What.” The Fallen Archangel froze. Dean and Cas stared motionless in horror-struck awe.

“Oh good Father in Heaven…” Cas sighed.

Sam nodded again, “-And there was this one time when-”

“Shut it, Sammy.” Dean interrupted quickly whilst Cas stared at Dean disapprovingly.

“But...you ruined the cliff hanger...like when Snape kills Dumbledore.” Cas mumbled, disappointed.

“Is there something you ain’t telling me, Cas?” Dean looked hurt.

“N-N-No, Dean. I simply referenced a daydream of sorts I had… once.”

“What?!”

“Your brother is surprisingly satisfying to dominate.” Cas shrugged.

“WHAAAT?!!??!?!??”

Lucifer sighed, confused... he still hadn’t grasped the concept of Lindsay Lohan, Starbucks, the miles of screaming girls of a man who was called Bustin Jeiber… who strangely reminded him of Michael if he was completely honest, both being way too whiny.

“... Anyways,” Sam continued. He looked Lucifer dead in the eye. “I want you to let me love you.”

“Excuse me a minute.” Lucifer stood quietly, pushed in his chair, and stepped out the door. Sam felt his heart shatter.

“Luce… please, if you can still hear me. I want to give you the world - not literally, don’t get any more ideas of world domination - I want to treat you like a princess. Be my baby daddy...” He whispered. No answer came from the Archangel.

“Well then... is there going to be another season?” Cas asked Dean glared.

“Cas, you’re not allowed to break the fourth wall.”

“Oh, my apologies. Sam looks heartbroken - would it be appropriate to offer him a threesome? Serve him a hot beverage?”

Dean glared at Cas.

“Samuelli.” Lucifer opened the door slowly.

“Shhhhh! The next season is starting!” Dean grabbed the duct tape from under the sofa (For him and Cas when the satanic couple were out) and duct taped Cas’ mouth. Cas’ eyes promised Dean punishment at a later date.

“Luce?” Sam felt his heart suddenly become super-glued back together.

“Since we came back from The Cage, I want to be with you too...but I’ve never done this before, let alone thinking I’d do it with a human… You’ll need to… guide me through this.”

“Mmmm...Mmm...mmm!” Cas mumbled.

“If Sammy has his way, he’ll guide you through something…” Dean coughed to cover up his cheeky remark.

Lucifer softly cupped Sam's hands with his own. “Can we do this?”

Sam blinked, his hope almost overwhelming. “Sex or a relationship? Do you mean the kinky-thang or the… luuuuuuu-”

Lucifer cut Sam’s rambling off with a sudden kiss then lifted his eyes to Sam’s widening ones. His shock was evident and Lucifer couldn’t help but to take some amusement from his Vessel’s reaction. He pulled back and noticed Sam’s face was still shocked.

“How about all of it combined? Like when you combine a plate of nacho’s… unorganised… but… functioning.”

Sam snapped himself out of his shock and responded with, “That’s the least romantic similie I’ve ever heard.”

"Not romantic, but true!" Lucifer replied.

"Mmmmm!" Cas nodded in agreement "Mm!"

“God dammit, Cas, stop making those sex noises! These jeans are tight enough- woah, wait TMI.” Dean head-desked.

“Mmm?” Cas questioned.

"Nothing, Cas." Dean bowed his head, embarrassed, and totally did not shift awkwardly to cover up his raging deanis boner.

"Sam… could we go somewhere, private?" Lucifer asked.

"MMMMMMM!" Cas' muffled squeals rang into Dean's ears.

“I don’t know if I’m supposed to be annoyed by the fact you didn’t listen to me… or turned on…” Dean muttered.

Cas frowned. "Mmm, mm, mmmmmm. Hmph!" then proceeded to cross his arms.

Dean groaned, “Aw great, now he’s giving me the annoyed wife treatment!”

“Mmhm!” Cas harrumphed.

Sam sat down quickly, "I feel dizzy..."

Lucifer picked Sam up in his arms as if he was a baby, holding him close to his chest and poofed them upstairs.

Cas ripped off his duct tape, completely unphased by the red square mark it left behind. "Oh my, they’re linking… they’re going to… _consummate_ their profound bond."

Dean stared, unamused.

Upstairs, Sam blushed, “That was very… forward of you…”

Lucifer smiled gently "All relationships start somewhere, Sam… _my_ Sam..."

Sam felt tingles of pleasant ice run across his spine at the possessive way Lucifer referred to him. _New level of kinky there, Sam_. He thought to himself.

"Luce.."

"Yes?" Lucifer laid the younger Winchester down on the bed, pulling the woolen blankets across him before laying opposite.

“I had considered myself a _‘no sex on the first date’_ type of guy.” Sam joked weakly, his head hurting faintly. He blamed Cas and Dean’s old married couple arguments. Lucifer smiled and wrapped his arms around Sam's chest, holding his hands tight.

"As long as you’re happy, Sam." His hand began snaking around Sam’s torso and he felt anticipation well up-

"Hello boys." The broken voice of a man who hadn't eaten a soother in a while (a couple of centuries at least) appeared at the end of the bed, Crowley, on his face a shit-eating grin. Lucifer looked unamused (that was the mild term, _downright murderous_ being the more accurate one).

“Just thought I’d pop in, say hello. Got any good Scotch?” Crowley looked around the room casually, as if he hadn’t just pissed off one of the world’s greatest hunters and the Devil himself. Crowley opened a small glass cabinet at the end of the room, Dean's secret stash of vintage (he was too ‘manly’ to admit to owning it, along with the stash of mixers and ‘girly’ cocktail recipes). Clinking a crystal glass, he poured himself a double.

“Here’s to the newlyweds!” Crowley raised his glass, and ignored the glares he was receiving.

“What… are you doing here?” Sam grit out.

“Unfinished business with Squirrel.” Crowley stated.

"His business is mine, he’s my brother." Sam glared at the demon harder.

Crowley raised a brow sceptically, “Even the naughty business?”

"That is for the Sephalim to concern himself with." Lucifer frowned disapprovingly.

Crowley took a sip of his whiskey and smirked, “A threesome is hardly new territory for me.”

Sam blanched. He was all for that kind of stuff, but Crowley… _ewwwww_. Lucifer had chosen the wrong moment to link with Sam's mind.

"Really...?" Lucifer stared in disbelief.

Sam shrugged, trying to pull his most innocent face. “Samifestiel… I read this really good fic…”

"... I am not fucking a _Soldier of the Lord_. Especially the one your brother interacts with hourly… I remember that one from when he was a fledgling, back when he was in angel diapers..."

"Oh dear me. Sam caught on a crossroads of which pretty boy angel you want to fuck?"

Gabriel snapped into existence.

“Hey now, just because you rule Hell doesn’t mean you can swear like that. You better put $5 in the swear jar.”

Lucifer stared at his brother in disbelief. “... Gabriel?”

“Long time no stab, bro.” Gabriel grinned.

“... I’m not even going to ask.” Lucifer shook his head, used to his younger sibling’s antics.

"Ooh, another angel. You part of the Winchester-Harem too, choir boy?"

“Yup.” Gabriel popped the ‘p’. “Samoose here is in fact my Master... I kneel only to you, almighty sasquatch! Joking, joking!” He reassured Lucifer when he noticed the older archangel glaring at him in a way that really brought the expression _‘if looks could kill_ ’ to life.

"Hmph." Lucifer frowned. Sam totally didn't feel adored by the protectiveness of the Archangel. Despite his earlier claims of wishing to treat Lucifer like a princess, he was the one who felt like the true princess... with multiple winged knights at his beck and call. _Get your mind out of the gutter, Sam_ \- He told himself.

"Well, ladies... if you’ll excuse me, I have a pest to deal with." Crowley put the crystal glass down and proceeded to teleport to the Angelic couple.

* * *

Cas was still sitting with his arms crossed, refusing to look at Dean.

"Cas, c'mon man, you’re killing me..."

No answer.

"Cas."

No answer.

"You two love-birds fighting?” Crowley enquired.

"What the hell are you doing here, Crowley?" Dean stood up in front of the pissed angel, who just so happened to be giving him the silent treatment like the grumpy asshole he was deep-down.

“Spooning.” Crowley said simply.

“Uh huh..."

"I’m actually here on business, not pleasure..."

* * *

Meanwhile, Gabriel had decided to entertain (... or piss off) Satan and the hunter (ah, his beloved Sammymoose) with pick up lines.

“I would call Heaven and tell them an angel was missing, but I’m kinda hoping you’re a slut…”Gabriel wiggled his eyebrows at Sam. Lucifer growled quietly at his younger brother before controllingly wrapping an arm around Sam's shoulders.

“If you're feeling down, I can feel you up.” Gabriel sung. Sam’s face flushed, not noticing the small glow in the back of Lucifer's eyes.

“I may not go down in history, but I'll go down on you!” The trickster winked. His eyes were a pleasant golden color and made Sam feel strangely warm. Lucifer’s grip tightened.

"I hope you have a sewing machine, because I’m going to tear that ass up!” As much as Gabriel enjoyed annoying others, he wasn’t in fact suicidal, and so poofed out just as the last word left his mouth and he narrowly avoided the wave of raw, angry energy Lucifer sent flying his way.

"Luce!" Sam pouted.

"You’re mine." Lucifer growled as he forcefully straddled Sam and pinned him down on the bed, a dangerous look in his eyes. Sam’s startled expression only egged him on. He leaned in closer, his cool breath fanning across the human’s face.

“Luce…” He murmured, tingles stretched across Sam's wrists as patches of frost achingly formed.

“No,” Lucifer hissed, his voice deceptively soft. “You were… enjoying Gabriel’s attentions. Don’t deny it, Sam…”

"N-No Luce, I..." Sam stuttered, blushing a light, shameful crimson, the strange exhilaration he felt at being overpowered so easily almost scaring him, adding to his awkwardness.

"Don’t play games with the Devil, Sam, you'll always lose." An inviting grin spread across the face of the fallen Archangel. Sam’s natural stubbornness kicked in.

“The apocalypse that didn’t happen would kinda suggest otherwise.” He wondered if he was pushing the Devil too far.

"Excuse me?" The oddly pleasurable patches of frost laced themselves further down, moving to his torso and neck, soothing his feverish skin. Sam resisted crying out at the cold sensation. “C’mon, Sam,” Lucifer cooed softly. “You know you want to moan for me.”

“Younger Brother.” A beckoning voice boomed from the bottom of the bed, Lucifer looked up to see Michael. Alive, and back from the cage (inside Adam… and not in the sexy way).

“God damn it!” Sam groaned.

“I am not allowed peace, am I? Brother!” Lucifer forced a grin.

Gabriel popped up again. “This is one _hell_ of a cockblock. Someone should invite Raphie, we could have a family reunion.”

“Sammy, Cas is being a whore again.” Dean walked into the room and proceeded to stare at Michael, Michael stared back. Everyone ignored the muffled screams coming from downstairs from Castiel.

“Dean, how many times have I told you that you shouldn’t shame others for the sexual habits? I mean, really…” Sam grumbled.

“Plus you’re quite the manslut youself, Deano.” Gabriel smirked.

“Shut it, both of you. Where’s Crowley?” Dean eyed everyone in the room, they all proceeded to shrug with the exception of Gabriel. Gabriel stared at Dean and slowly walked towards him, hand outstretched, placing it lightly upon his face and began to stroke it.

“Uh…” Dean leaned back, trying to avoid the trickster but ended up almost falling over when Gabriel caught him, grasping his waist and dipping him awkwardly (the height difference got in the way, Dean’s legs were bent in a fairly painful way). “Gabriel… what are you doing...?” Dean felt unknown emotions well-up inside of him, like an erect penis. What about Castiel? His angel… his… baby daddy. None the less, the golden gaze of the Archangel, a trickster none the less… was… enticing.

“Polygamy.” Gabriel whispered simply, his grin quirking.

“What's that?” Dean asked softly.

Cas popped up, his duct tape gone. “Polygamy, state of marriage to many spouses or frequent marriage is a marriage that includes more than two partners and falls under the broader category of Consensual Non-Monogamy. When a man is married to more than one wife at a time.” Cas said bluntly.

“Nobody asked for your opinion Cas!” Dean shouted before slowly turning back to gaze at his new beloved. Everyone gasped...

Somehow, Destiel was broken.


	2. Lucifer's Struggle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael becomes a proud mother of Deancat, Sam and Lucifer have a heated argument over a film, Gabriel throws party, an odd appearance from Death and poorly written Olde English.

Castiel sat on a log outside the house, solemnly shrouded by heartbreak and despair. Blocking out the sound of thumping that was being created on the upper floor.   
  
Lucifer gripped Sam close to him. "Is that heartbreak?" Lucifer turned to Sam questionably.   
  
"Yes." Sam's heart ached in sympathy for the soldier.   
  
"Yes Dean! Let _me_ be the one to grip you tight." Gabriel shouted, Cas looked up to the noise. "I'll raise _your_ perdition!"   
  
At this moment in time, everyone turned to look at Cas. Michael had short-circuited as soon as he had some idea of what was going on.

"Gabriel can't have sexual relations with a human! It's against... Our _teachings_! His union with a human could result in _pregnancy_!" Michael was about to storm upstairs   
  
"Brother, stop. Dean is not a women. He cannot get pregnant." Lucifer grabbed his older brother's hand quickly and stopped him in his tracks.   
  
Michael's face was firm. "Brother, you don't understand... Archangels... have..." he struggled to think of the correct word "Magical penises. If they do not use protection..."   
  
Lucifer looked baffled. "Well _I_ certainly don't have a... magical one"   
  
"You've been in the cage for a millennia, you haven't developed!" Cas snapped, worried at the idea of his older brother deflowering and impregnating his hunter.   
  
"SAAAAAMMMMMMMY!" A scream echoed throughout the building.   
  
"Dean!" Everyone spoke in unison.   
  
"His dick sparkles!" Dean's horrified voice shook.  
  
"So you have a Cullen in the family? Congratulations." Crowley bowed sarcastically as he reappeared.   
  
"I'm coming, Dean!" Sam hurriedly ran out the stairs.   
  
"CAS!" Another scared cry from the older Winchester. Cas stood up and poofed to the bedroom, ready to fight Gabriel to the deaths.   
  
"Surprise!" Gabriel shouted, grinning. Cas looked around, confused.   
  
Gabriel was _not_ deflowering Dean, _nor_ was Dean in peril, but there was a fabulous banner on the wall that read _Try Polyamory_ , another one that boldly stated, _Threesomes Are Great_! There were even balloons with _3's a crowd and a crowd's the best_ printed on them.   
  
"Um..." Cas blinked.   
  
"Surprise, Beloved." A soft smile came from the hunter.   
  
Sam, who had just appeared, muttered. "I'm just... going to leave."   
  
"No, stay, my Moose!" Gabriel grabbed Sam's hand quickly   
  
"I... love you"   
  
"GABRIEL!" A loud voice appeared, shattering windows and splintering wood.   
  
"You're welcome to join, bro." Gabriel said, clicking his fingers so that the balloon and banner read _5_ and _fivesomes_.   
  
Gabriel briefly looked up to see the Devil, until he was thrown back and out the wall, into the garden, into dirt, or shit - we'll never know.   
  
"Luce, no!" Sam pleaded as the Devil jumped to join his dirt ridden sibling.   
  
"Why should I spare him?" Lucifer questioned.

"You'll spare him if you love me." Staring Lucifer straight in the eye, Sam stood his ground.

"It's not fair to play _that_ card..." Lucifer pouted.

"Well, the card has been laid," Sam held the gaze, not daring to blink. "Time for you to play, lover."

"Fine..." the Devil grumbled. "New year, New me."

Gabriel sighed softly as he stood up. "No hard feelings! Can I fuck your moose then?"

"Use a contraceptive device." Michael popped up.

Lucifer face palmed before grabbing both Michael and Gabriel by their cuffs. "I swear... One more comment..."

"I only wish for my siblings to partake in safe sexual activities! I do not want to be an uncle!" Michael insisted. Lucifer growled deeply, attention then turning to Gabriel as he dropped Michael.

"Brother, I love who I love!" Gabriel smiled nervously.

"I said _fine._ " Lucifer deadpanned. Sam walked out of the way of the massive hole created by the Devil and proceeded to solemnly travel downstairs.

"Sam?" Lucifer worriedly turned to look for his moose.

Sam was thinking very important moose-thoughts. He wasn't sure what he thought of his potentially polyamorous and incestuous future... And Gabriel's supposed ability to impregnate males.

"Sammy." A deep voice appeared from behind Sam, his brother was standing in the arch of the doorway.

"Dean, I swear to God if you dare say anything about my ambiguous sexuality-" Sam started.

"No no no. Luce is slightly freaking out... probably because Gabriel has gone loopy on handstands and beer but he's freaking out" Dean glared at his sibling.

Sam sighed, "This is why it never worked between Gabe and I before... that and the fact he kept killing you..."

Dean looked at his little brother "Sam, do you really love Lucifer? I mean come on, man, he's a devil... literally the Devil!"

Sam shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Dean, you started the apocalypse and I was almost King of Hell... we kind of can't judge people on this kind of stuff."

"Well this is an exception-" The doorbell ringing cut off Dean's voice. The hunter slowly opened the door to see a young man dressed in red and white delivery clothes.

"Delivery for... Castiel?" The little man questioned.

"Here, let me sign for it." Dean grabbed a pen, signed the man's list and grabbed the box. Curiosity overwhelmed him and he opened the box, much like Pandora... and became a cat.

"Dean!" Sam shouted, confused.

"AWWW! You're so cute!" The Sephalim ran in, scooping the yowling Mainecoon off the floor and into his arms. "Hello! Helloooo!" Cas cooed as the cat continued to scratch and struggle.

Dean cried miserably, saying a cat's equivalent to _Cas what the fuck let go of me right now oh my god this is terrible and now you've messed up my fur... great._

Everyone began to accumulate in the living room, in unison they chimed. "Awwwwwwww..."

They all took turns petting and cooing and turning Dean basically miserable, though inside, he enjoyed it really. Even Lucifer seemed somewhat fond of kitty Dean.

Things got a little bit weird when the usually stoic Michael eyed Dean for a second and then picked him up, put him on his face and boomed, "My precious baby... You are my child now! I. AM. YOUR. MOTHER." The oldest archangel stroked his back lovingly.

"... does this make me Dean's uncle?" Gabriel asked. "That's all kinds of messed up."

"Dear Father, I'm an uncle." Lucifer face palmed dramatically. Dean stared horrifically at the three archangels, he wasn't sure if he was scared more at the fact of Michael's sudden cat fetish, or the fact he had Lucifer as a half-relative. Either way, his impromptu adoption was all shades of freaking wacky.

"Luce, one day we can have kids of our own." Sam smiled softly. Dean was happy for the two, but being an uncle to basically a hell spawn... No. He'd probably bet with Bobby how many people it had killed by the time it was two.

He tried to voice his protest but the only sound he made was a high pitched mewl. Michael squealed slightly and hugged Dean tighter. He freaking hated being a cat.

"Forget Dean, you are now... Mr.Snugums."

_Oh god_ , Dean thought. He couldn't breathe properly as he was being squished by Michael's face, but then he remembered that he was a cat and cats had fairly useful teeth so he dug his teeth into the archangel's nose and was dropped immediately. Cas leaped to catch him.

"Hark!" Michael shouted. "The fiend has wounded me! His own _mother!"_ He fell dramatically to the floor with his arm poised over his forehead, eyes downcast.

Sam at this point had been recovering from a laughing fit as the Sephalim and Deancat ran out the table in a chase of cat and mouse.

"Come back, Dean!" Cas yelled, sounding unnaturally serious considering the situation. Dean meowed something that was probably _kiss my ass, Cas._

Cas caught up to the feline "Hello Snugums..."

Deancat stared, mortified. As Cas continued to snuggle his Dean, Michael was now on his knees, poorly quoting Shakespeare. "Was it meant to be? Or not meant to be... Is that the Question?"

Somewhere within Michael, Adam sighed and silently wished they were back in the Cage, wondering why he was the one to get stuck with these idiots.

"Doth Dean be saved? Or thou shalt be lost in thy Castiel's bosom!" Lucifer stared at his older brother and crossed his arms. Gladly thanking that whatever kept them brothers, was only grace and not mind set.

“Is he always like this?” Sam questioned.

“If he were a human, I’d say he’d been _dropped on the head at birth._ ” Lucifer muttered.

"Brethren!" Michael sobbed at Lucifer's feet "Thine head lays intact, yet dropped I thou shall admit. I suffered quite the fall from thy holiness, and thy landed here... In the cradle of our Father’s breast." Lucifer and Gabriel looked at each other, raised an eyebrow each and looked back to their brother.

“Mikey…” Gabriel started. “Did someone give you the special fruit again?”

"No?" Michael tried innocently.

Lucifer tapped his foot, grimacing. “Don’t try that with me, young man.”

Michael looked at his feet, ashamed, but then had a sudden change of heart and charged at Gabriel. “Thou art the villain who bewitched me! Burn the heathen at sunrise!”

Michael crushed into him, sending them both crashing through the floor and leaving a sizeable dent in the one beneath. They lay there for about three seconds when Gabriel realised what had happened and let out a cry of “W _u_ u _u_ h!”

Lucifer promptly facepalmed and decided to take the moment of distraction to steal Sam away, back to the bedroom they had claimed.

“Uh.” Sam said, disorientated by suddenly being teleported onto the edge of the bed.

"Now can we please continue? I think I had a point to prove..." A slight whine could quietly be heard in the Devil’s voice.

Sam smiled and posed a question. "Your point being?" Sam got intoxicatingly close to the Archangel’s face, leaning down slightly so their foreheads met as hands were held firmly. Inches away, Sam could feel the cold touch of ice upon his neck, the shivers Lucifer’s fingers sent down his bones.

“You’ll lose if you play games against me, Sam.” Lucifer murmured.

"I'd like to see you try." Sam struggled to keep his head upright, the effect of Lucifer, his Lucifer, was bearing down on him, pleasurably.

“You know that I can, Sam. You’re aware of what I can do, how I can make you feel… react.” Lucifer’s lips ghosted across Sam’s jaw, making the hunter flush red and causing his breaths to come out as gasps.

"L-Luce..." Sam shuffled upright for two reasons, the first was how he loved seeing the Devil ravish him. The second, to cover up the ever growing/hardening situation occurring in the base of his jeans. Lucifer slipped lower, gently nipping at the soft skin of Sam’s neck and then sucking delicately at the tender spot, pulling back and smirking in satisfaction at the mark left.

"Luce... You’re so... " Sam suddenly lost his words as Lucifer went to work expertly on his neck. Hand tugging at the hem of his shirt.

“I want them to see,” Lucifer hissed. “See what I’ve done to you.” His tone of voice sent hot sparks of arousal shooting through Sam, the feeling contrasting so heavily with the icy touch of the Archangel that a moan escaped his mouth.

"See, Sam..? I always win." The Devil motioned for Sam to sit up further as he quickly pulled off the shirt, throwing it to the floor. His eyes traced the familiar lines of Sam’s muscles, memorised through months of being his vessel and years of Hell.

Unnoticed by the couple, the final and fourth Archangel appeared in the corner of the room, watching silently.

Sam leaned back, pulling Lucifer down on top of him, shifting uncomfortably. “I need you.” He rasped.

"Any more from you." Lucifer restrained Sam's right wrist, moving forward next to his ear. "And I'll drive you over the edge, pas-"

Raphael cleared his throat, announcing his presence. “Hello, fuckboys.”

Whilst Sam more so looked in curiosity of whom he could have a possible threesome with, Lucifer froze still, embarrassed at the voice of an all too familiar sibling.

“A hello would be nice, but I see you are… compromised at the moment.” Raphael stared at them, head tilted and added, “You need to work on your _‘dirty talk’_ , brother.”

"I think you'll find it is up to scratch, brother." Lucifer's tone changed, sarcasm under his usual front.

Gabriel poofed into the room and flung himself at his sibling. “Raphie!”

“Brother.” Raphael greeted.

“Foursome?” Sam asked

"Hello Brother." A messy haired, twitching Michael appeared in the doorway, eyes wide.

"Five?" Sam got giddy.

Ignoring Sam, Raphael sighed. “The fruit again, Michael?”

"What the hell is going on up here!" Dean appeared, normal formed with rips scattered about his clothing.

"Wincest Six?" Sam's eyes almost popped out as Cas followed behind Dean,

"W-Wincestiel Seven!" Lucifer proceeded to roll up a very, very thick magazine, giving a quick blow to the back of the moose's head. A glare followed. Everyone then noticed two things, shirtless Sam and the position the Satanic couple hadn't moved from yet.

“Family reunion?” Crowley asked when he appeared out of nowhere with a glass of Scotch.

“Eight!” Sam roared, before promptly passing out.

“... What the hell have you done to my brother?” Dean growled at Lucifer.

"It's all in the fingers." Lucifer snapped a few at the ever worrying Dean. Sam was out cold, stretched across the bed in the shape of a starfish, the Devil once more, laid woolen blankets across the top and possessively stayed at his side.

"I swear, if you've hurt my brother..." Dean threatened, taking a step closer to the Devil.

“I'm offended that you’d think I'd hurt my own lover.” Lucifer sent an icy glare towards the hunter.

"He isn't looking too peachy though, is he?" Dean gestured towards Sam, worry lining his face.

Michael poked Sam’s arm, prodding the skin that was showing. “He will be okay.”

After a few seconds of realization, _Dean was not a cat_ , Michael turned to the older Winchester. “My baby… what calamity has overcome your form?” Tears welled up in his eyes.

"You saying I'm ugly...?" Dean turned to Michael, giving him a bitch-face that Sam would be proud of.

“No…” Michael softly stroked the blushing cheek “You're always beautiful… perfect… my true vessel… my-”

"GET REK'D!" Dean shouted, punching the archangel square across the face. Adam had to agree that even though it was technically his face, _it was worth the pain._ Lucifer, Raphael and Gabriel all thoughtfully credited the Winchester for doing what they had all dreamed of doing since being fledglings. Michael, embarrassed, ran downstairs as Cas raised his dominant eyebrow.

“Dean, that was very mean of you.” Cas sent a disapproving look at his lover.

“This is the real world, Cas. Everyone has been dying to do that, for years, centuries...” Dean smiled with unnaturally large amounts of satisfaction.

"It is true." Raphael agreed. Sam chose this moment to wake up, Lucifer lovingly brushed away a few strands of hair off his face.

“How are you feeling?” Lucifer portrayed his worry as well as Dean’s.

“Ugh… Okay, I guess…” Sam rubbed his aching face and sat up slowly, Lucifer’s arm supporting his back.

"Despite your words, I sense the unresolved sexual tension." Raphael frowned.

“I can break your tension...” Gabriel added.

"Gabriel I warned you earlier.” Lucifer’s usually soft eyes became a threatening dark red.

"Touchy, touchy..." Gabriel sighed. Everyone at this point chose to notice Sam’s fine abs.

Crowley spoke up. "If we were starring in a particularly poorly written porno, this is where we'd all have furious sex."

“I'm up for it.” Gabriel grinned.

Sam's eyes widened. "I'm game."

“Dean, what is the definition of _furious intercourse?_ ” Cas asked clueless, face innocently turned towards the hunter.

"It doesn't matter because it ain't happening!" Dean glared at the other occupants of the room, swearing some of them looked disappointed.

"We wouldn't end up in these situations if people had even a grasp on the idea of privacy." Lucifer muttered. Gabriel almost seemed offended at the statement, a hand found its way to a hip, -sassy mode activated-.

" _Exuuuuucus_ e me?” Gabriel raised his right eyebrow as achingly high as possible. “We’re invading your privacy? This is a one bedroom house, there is no privacy! Who the hell steals a _one bedroom_ house?!” A sarcastic (yet fantabulous) look was shot in the way of the now slightly embarrassed Devil - not even Satan could handle the raw sass Gabriel shot at him.

“I did the best I could! I’d like to see you try.” A patronising look was now aimed at the Trickster. A staring contest broke out among the two brothers, Castiel grabbed his popcorn.

“You want to see me being private with Sam?” Gabriel quirked his eyebrows in the classic Cadbury’s fashion.

“... That doesn’t even make sense.” Lucifer deadpanned.

“It does!” Gabriel ramped his sass-levels higher and Dean suddenly began dancing whilst Sam secretly pondered the idea of Gabriel’s meaning of ‘private’. Cas stared in awe of his Dean pirouetting across the bedroom, knocking over various pieces of priceless furniture in a inspiring style.

“My beautiful child!” Michael screamed as he burst back into the room. “You’ve made me such a proud mother!”

Raphael stared at the carnage unfolding, his head tilted in curiosity. “Is this a regular occurrence?”

“Yes.” Lucifer sighed.

“CAAAAAS. I FEEL SICK.” Dean lifted his arms above his head, reenacting _‘The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies’._

“Such grace… “ Castiel stated

“Yes indeedy.” Gabriel smiled at his sassy handiwork.

“I can’t stop dancing! I think I’m gonna throw up!” Dean complained as he spun beautifully.

Sam still sat silently. _I mean… private. Like private study? private intuition…_ Oh. It had hit him, his eyes sparkled at the thought. _Sex!_ Lucifer raised an eyebrow as he had managed to hear that _singular_ word, and just that word.

“... Sam?” Lucifer questioned. Sam widened his eyes, trying to look as innocent as possible.

“... Yes?”

“Sex? With who?” Lucifer’s eyes peered down on the hunter.

“Um… “ Sam’s glittering eyes found their way up to meet the mischievous ones of the Trickster.

Gabriel bobbed his eyebrows, a pair of sunglasses appearing on his face as he smirked and moonwalked out of the room, clicking his fingers. “Eyy.”

Lucifer stared at his moose “You love… that thing?!”

Baffled, Lucifer looked at Sam and then to Gabriel’s retreating figure multiple times.

Sam sighed. “We live in an age where sex and love aren’t the same thing. I’m just saying… he’s really hot. Literally… though if you wanted to be technical… Michael’s the hottest.”

“And where do I fit in your incredulous rankings?”

“Do you mean temperature wise? Because if you do, you’re at the bottom.” Sam shrugged.

“I mean in the way of looks, Samuelli.”

Sam thought about it for a second, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. “I mean, Michael’s always pretty hot… but all his vessels are my relatives…” He shuddered. “Um, Cas has that dominant eyebrow… Raphael’s… really intimidating...” Sam suddenly felt like he was in the _Fifty Shades of Grey_ advert and had to stop and shake the thought from his mind. “You’re the best, Luce.”

“How.” Lucifer deadpanned, arms crossed. “Explain to me. How?” Sam became intimidated as he felt guilty, accused… _betrayed!_

“Because we’re made for each other, _literally._ ” Sam quoted what the Devil had once said to him, unsure of a better way to describe his feelings for the archangel.

“Don't weasel your way out of this, Sam.” Obviously the quote didn't portray the feelings the hunter had tried to send across.

“Okay, hold up.” Sam frowned. “You tell me that to me for months, trying to get me to say yes to being your vessel - a life changing decision… but when I say it to explain how I feel about you, you go _no way._ That’s hardly fair, Luce. Do you want me to somehow fall head over heels in love with Raphael or something?”

Raphael blinked, confused as to how he had become a part of the situation. “I beg your pardon?”

Sam looked at him. “Have you ever read 50 Shades of Grey? Twilight?”

“... Have I ever read what?”

Sam got up from his place on the bed, kneeled down in front of Raphael. “I want you to go with me to see the films.”

Lucifer looked perplexed at the turn of events. His hunter, kneeling for his brother - shirtless...

“Um, I most certainly would love to! But I will have to reject your… kind offer.” Raphael forced out an uneasy smile, avoiding the imaginary daggers being thrown at his head by Lucifer.

“Pretty, pretty please, Raphael!” Sam awakened the cuteness within, puppy eyes staring into the depths of Raphael’s soul. He felt his power being crippled by the human’s hazel eyes, tears began to well up in them and he almost expected Sam to whimper like an actual puppy.

“I-I.” Raphael struggled to think of a way to rectify the situation. Surely if he said yes, Lucifer would kill him, but if he said no…Sam's puppy eyes intensified.

“Yes.” He blurted.

Lucifer growled, grabbing one of the bedside tables and flinging at his younger sibling.

“Fuck you!” Lucifer shouted, eyes radiating pure anger and resent to his fellow brother. “Fuck you! Fuck you!”

Everyone backed off slightly when large clouds of frost escaped Lucifers mouth instead of air.

“OH SHIT!” Everyone (except Lucifer - who was too fixated on his sibling - and Raphael - who was too busying being pummeled by pieces of iced furniture) exclaimed as they quickly ran to the underside of the bed, hiding and ducking, pulling shirts over the top of their heads for useless shelter.

Sam, confused, was still kneeling in front of Raphael. Dean grabbed his younger brother, yanking him out the door, they both peeped round to see the action unfold.

“You come in here,” Lucifer began. “You interrupt my mating,” he flung a heavy vase at his sibling. “You sit and judge my sexy talk… and you think you can take my Sam to see a movie?”

“Your sexual talk was not bad! It was arousing, I swear!” Could be heard, muffled, from in between the table and the wall.

“I have had enough, younger brother. Do you not understand the word privacy? Possession?” Lucifer suddenly realised what he had said.

Sam walked back into the room slowly, eyes wide, “Is that all I am to you? A _possession?_ Some _object?”_

“No, Sam! I didn’t… didn’t… “

“Exactly.” Sam spoke as the Devil slowly turned his anger back towards Raphael.

" _You_ caused this!”

“No, Lucifer!” Sam snapped, his frustration evident. “This is _you,_ being too possessive.”

“Dont talk to me about possession Sam! I have had enough of humanity… Sam, it’s your species, the reason I fell. I loved father too much, I couldn’t love his creations more than him, and for that I was condemned! I’ve been locked up for millennia with no interaction - my social skills aren’t exactly the best! I let you in, I never lied to you, never tricked you... and you treat me like this! Sam, I know you’re smart… how could you not figure it out?”

“... Figure what out?” Sam whispered, shocked by the Devil’s outburst.

“He has abandonment issues.” Raphael supplied helpfully, his face squished into the wall.

“Lucifer… I am so sorry, I never thought…” Sam began to speak but the Devil interrupted.

“The _damage_ is done, Sam. All those years, alone, with nothing but my fragmented grace, mutilated body and... emptiness. I was hollow, waiting, for you. My vessel, from you I saw some hope in humanity, if not them, the humans I was surrounded by. Now you know how I feel... quiet down, you insensitive orphan.”

Sam was torn between outrage and sympathy. Being a Winchester, he decided to display the first. “Orphan? You’re the reason my mom died! Hell, you’re even the reason my dad died! But do you want to know the best bit? At least they didn’t _choose_ to leave me!”

“Oh snap.” Gabriel murmured.

“That’s our father too,” Michael said, confused. “Why are you _oh snapping?”_

Dean sat next to Castiel, being restrained as letting him go would probably cause a sharp punch to the face following a bloody explosion. _Orphan?!_ Cas could almost hear Dean’s thoughts racing through his head.

“This is absolutely ridiculous.” A familiar voice said as Death appeared in the room. Dean grinned, his bromantic partner in crime had appeared to save the day.

“Oh for fucks sake…” Lucifer grumbled.

“Death.” Dean nodded in slight respect at the horseman.

“Normally, I wouldn’t waste my time on something as trivial as this… however, I feel that you two are in need of… an intervention. Your Father would not be impressed, Lucifer.”

“And over time, I’m sure you've come to know that I could care less what my ‘Father’ thinks.” Lucifer sat on the edge of the bed, ignoring the tickling Gabriel (... or was it Crowley?) was doing to him from underneath the bed.

Death gave him a blank look. “Be that as it may, you really ought to sort out your behavioural problems, child.”

“This doesnt concern you, or my Father!”

Silence overwhelmed the room as Death stared at Lucifer, unamused,

“So… hi there…”

“Chuck?” Dean stared at the man who had just materialized in the middle of the room, it was Chuck.

A deafening silence overcame the room again, only to be broken by Death murmuring, “It’s been a long time since I last saw you, old friend.”


	3. Sam's Fine Ass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is the time for a wedding. With all ears listening intensively to the riveting, sexual and awkward chat that bounced between 'The Samifer'. Dean copes with Sam's newfound love of movie sex quotes, Gabriel and Michael try to learn the art of subtly and everyone finds common interest in Sam's fine ass (even Adam!).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We feel like we should probably apologise for this chapter, but nonetheless - we hope you can enjoy.

After the appearance of Chuck, Death and the fellow had decided to take over the one bedroom in the house for a private discussion and this meant the others being banished downstairs, where they anxiously waited… and waited… and waited… Gabriel was repeatedly murmuring “Tick, tock.”

Michael was twitching, Lucifer was fiddling with his thumbs and Raphael carefully began healing the severe wounds he had acquired recently as Gabriel continued to be a clock.

On the one thousandth tock of Gabriel, Michael cried out, “I have _had_ it! This has been an awful day… First, my baby Snugums is snatched away from me and now… this! Gabriel, I demand you pull one of your stunts!”

Gabriel stopped ticking. “You mean like… _spy_ on Dad...? Like back in the day?”

Michael gave him a look and the younger sibling shrunk back before muttering. “Right, gotta be _subtle.”_

Gabriel - like the sneaky ninja he was - tiptoed up the stairs and placed his ear upon the door, subtly. Listening into the cynical voice of Death and the contrasting, casual one of Chuck. Michael followed Gabriel's lead up to the door.

"So let me get this straight," Dean finally questioned, eyebrow raised. "Chuck is your dad...like _Him..._ the man upstairs?"

Lucifer and Raphael had decided to stay with the Winchester and angel, trying to defuse their brains of complicated questions.

“First of all,” Raphael began. “You could not have anything fully _straight.”_

“You’re just avoiding the question because you didn’t realize it during the apocalypse.” Dean pointed out.

“I can and I _will_ smite you.” Raphael said pleasantly.

"Calm, brothers." Castiel, trying to keep the situation relaxed, was twitching (but not as bad as Michael had been), excited and scared that their Father might be upstairs. "Let Gabriel work his magic."

Gabriel's ears were wiggling intensively, eyebrows raising and then lowering, mouthing words to his older brother curiously, looks of shock appeared.

“What?” Dean asked.

“He’s here for the wedding.” Gabriel mouthed at Dean.

“What?!” Dean fell out of his chair. “Who’s getting married?”

Michael gave the human a withering look and then shouted in rage, _“That is not what subtly is, child.”_

Dean rolled his eyes and Michael smacked a hand over his mouth, eyes going wide, realizing that he wasn’t exactly the most subtle of beings either.

_You don’t say._ Adam snarked in the back of his mind, but went ignored as Michael was the only one who could hear him and was otherwise occupied.

Gabriel tilted his head, trying to listen in and then his face going pale as he heard the door creaking, began to run away and yelled, “Abort mission, abort mission!”

"Who the _fuck_ is getting married?" Dean growled and eyeballed everyone in the room.

Cas sniggered.

"What are you not telling me, Cas?"

Another snigger.

"Did you propose whilst I was drunk?"

Cas stared at the hunter and laughed hysterically. "It's obvious, Dean!"

Dean looked dumbfounded.

"What!?" Dean became frustrated, stamping his feet against the hard wooden floor.

“Don’t throw tantrums, Snugums.” Michael chastised him, coming to join the others in the living room.

“Suck my dick!” Dean shouted, temper growing.

“Bambi, no,” Cas said softly, trying to ease his boyfriend’s (so _oo_ o _o_ o not, Dean was 100% straight, yup, yes, _absolutely_ ) anger, the pet name shutting him up and making him flush a bright shade of crimson.

“Which couple have been arguing quite a lot recently?”

Both human brothers blinked, confused.

“Dad’s going to sort them out with marriage. Sucks for me, but I believe in open relationships.” Gabriel winked.

“What.” Dean was still confused.

Lucifer inhaled, rubbing his hand over his eyes like he was tired, “It was... _supposed_ to be a surprise.”

Sam raised an eyebrow. "Them? Are Cas and Dean finally getting married?"

Lucifer whom of which had been silent until his previous comment, tugged on Sam's jacket.

"What's up, Luce?" Sam innocently stared at him as Lucifer got down on one knee. Michael, Gabriel and even Raphael held in squeals of happiness as Sam's face lit up. Castiel joined in a huddle as Dean stared, emotionless.

"Sam Winchester, I've been meaning to... express my feelings... For a while now."

Death and Chuck had crept into the room, unnoticed until Death spoke up, “I do believe we finished up just in time for the show.” Michael shushed him, apparently uncaring as to any possible consequences of being rude to the gentleman.

“I… want you to make an honest archangel of me.” Lucifer said, staring into Sam’s eyes in a dramatic fashion.

“I already think you’re honest - you’ve never lied to me.” Sam told him.

Lucifer rolled his eyes. “I don’t mean literally. What I’m… trying to say is… Would you marry me, Sam?”

Sam squeaked, his voice going embarrassingly high, throwing himself at Lucifer, “Yes!”

Lucifer managed to not topple to the floor due to his archangel strength, but Sam rolled off of him as he was kneeling on the floor and in no position to catch the hunter. “Of course, it’s not quite like human marriage…” Lucifer continued. “There’s many aspects that you will be unfamiliar with.”

"Aspects? There aren't any, don't be silly! We get married, honeymoon... Family." A motherly, maternal look spread across his face as he lay on his stomach on the floor, legs swinging in the air.

"No... no, _no,_ no, Sam. We have traditions, instincts..."

"And how wide do these traditions vary?"

"As wide as when Lucifer spreads your le-" Gabriel was promptly silenced by Raphael as he glared at his sibling. Dean still stood, shell-shocked.

Lucifer inclined his head, reaching out for his lover. “It’s not the same as what humans would usually consider _marriage,_ as you know, angels in heaven have no such need for a ceremony like that - it was originally intended to bond brethren in arms upon the battlefield - however, Father was able to modify the ritual. It… involves us both being painted in old Enochian sigils, to bond us to one another and, ah, a private mating.”

"A private mating? You have _mating_ rituals?"

All four archangels nodded, embarrassed. "It was an old tradition amongst our peeps, not really the same as your idea of mating, but like Luci said, Dad made some modifications. But it’s gotta start soon for your bond to… blossom.” Gabriel piped in and smirked. “Go brother, Sammyboy. Fulfil your destiny." He shooed them up the stairs and chucked a bucket of what was basically magical paint to Lucifer, bowed quickly, eyebrows bobbing, and left them in peace.

"That was… kind of terrifying," Sam spoke nervously. “Don’t I get a, uh, last single hurrah? Like, a stag night or something? Dean’s gonna kill me for this, can I at least give him a night to say goodbye to having a non-married brother?”

"Oh Sam, we aren't getting married right now. The night of engagement (for lack of a... _better_ term) means a lot in angel society, we must start now, secure our bond, make us one." Lucifer grabbed Sam's hands, crossing them together before enveloping Sam in a deep and passionate kiss.Sam hadn’t been expecting the kiss, so let out a small mmph of shock when the archangel’s lips met his, but quickly melted into the embrace.

Lucifer let him go and then quickly grabbed the paint, dipping two fingers in and painting angelic marks upon his cheeks. Undressing the other, Lucifer dabbed some of the ice cold liquid onto Sam, caressing him gently and delicately, hushing him with a kiss when he tried to protest about the cold substance.

“I need you to paint the sigils onto me, it won’t work if I do it.” Lucifer whispered.

"You’ll have to take your clothes off.” Sam murmured, grasping the other man’s shirt, tugging it gently over his head. Lucifer held still as Sam copied (the best he could) the beautiful sigils that were now drying across his own chest. Anxiety was whirling around head, was this normal? _An often occurrence? Not weird?_ Sam couldn't rack or predict what would follow this. Lucifer kissed Sam once more, hands now feeling around their backs to grip at more skin, more of each other, Lucifer’s touch soothing his nerves. Lucifer’s lips trailed up to his ear and the man mumbled, “Sam, I need you to sit on the bed…”

"Lucifer, I need to get used to all... " Sam said as he traced the angelic symbols scattered across Lucifer. "Used to us and our... this..."

"I know Sam, just please sit on the bed..." Sam followed the order, scooted on the edge of the bed to make himself comfortable and then raised an eyebrow the sight of his lover. Lucifer squatted in front of the hunter, palms together as he breathed deeply.

"Yoga?"

"No, I am just preparing myself, this takes... _Millennia_ to perfect." Sam blinked, wondering if Lucifer was going to perform some kind of flying-leap of a sex move upon him, when suddenly the lights dimmed of their own accord and Lucifer began screeching in an otherworldly language. The archangel raised a leg, the sigils painted upon him beginning to glow a bright icey blue. He kicked it out, three times in rapid succession, raising himself onto the tip of his toes and flailing his arms out, like a really stupid peacock trying to show off its feathers... _Was_ that _what he was doing?_

"Um..." Sam stared bewildered as the Archangel continued to spasm, then he began spinning. Lucifer spun round, and round, and round... And round. Until he stopped and fell to the floor, proceeded to flop like a fish and then return back to his squatting position.

"Inner peace..." The Archangel breathed as he held his hands above his head, inhaled and brought them down, exhaled. After a little more high-pitched screeching, Sam was beginning to confuse himself further. _Milennia to perfect... what the ever-living fuck is there to perfect about_ that?

He began the pose again, this time bringing his arms up further and then bringing them down harshly and flapping them so furiously that he started levitating. His strange squealing was slowly starting to sound suspiciously like Beyoncé’s _all the single ladies_. Sam was thoroughly weirded out, unsure if Lucifer’s intention was to turn him on with the bizarre display or make him laugh at it. Lucifer could feel Sam's confusion but none the less continued to flourish his lover with the odd and wacky dance moves.

"Kakaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Lucifer screeched. Unknown to the couple, outside the door perched three inquisitive archangels, all swapping quickly to glance at Lucifer's 'mighty' display.

"Get in there, my son..." Gabriel cheered quietly.

"You would look even better in your true form, brother... Such grace... Posture..." Raphael admired his older brother's moves as Michael listened intently.

"Hear that? That is the call of our brother... the pitch is... volume is... Oh so _beautiful!"_ Michael broke into fragmented and uncontrollable sobs.

_What the fuck. He's out of tune and looks like a praying mantis on LSD._ Adam remarked.

_It is his mating dance, his grace calling out to Sam's soul..._ Michael informed Adam. _How can you not be lost in the beauty, the wonder of it?_

_Beauty? Wonder? Also, why is he screeching like a fucking butt-trumpet? It sounds like the noise you'd make if you were in distress, or had a bad case of flatulence. You know, you let something out and you just go "KAKAAH" right out of your buttcheeks._

Michael stood dumbfounded for a second. _KAKAAH is the sound a bird makes, Adam. The sound of an elephant would moreso rather fit a buttock. You know, BMMMMMMPH. I really am worried that you think a behind makes such bird-like noises._ Michael then proceeded to act out an elephant's trunk, made a funny and loud noise. Then paused as two disapproving eyes were turned his way.

"What happened to _subtle,_ bruh?" Gabriel whispered.

Meanwhile, in the bedroom, Lucifer's... fabulous display continued and Sam continued to stare at him, his eyebrows slowly lifting higher at the unusually unique (very, very unique) display. "BMMMMMMMPH" echoed through the awkwardly tensioned bedroom's door, though thankfully it was as Lucifer leaped once more and yelled "KAKAAAAAAH".

His mating dance had ended.

"Quickly, Sam, your turn." Lucifer beckoned.

"What?"

"We must connect the bond, finalise it." A gentle and innocently proud smile spread across Lucifer's face as Sam stood in front of Lucifer.

"Um?" Sam looked around the room for any hint of what he was supposed to do.

Apparently it was the right thing to do as a pole appeared in the middle of the room. He swore he could hear Gabriel shouting, "Thank me later, nerds!"

"Do I have to... uh, _sing_ too?" Sam couldn't really describe the noises Lucifer had been making as singing, but he felt bad describing the din as _squawking._

Lucifer nodded, a small smile of encouragement on his face. Sam approached the pole apprehensively, reached towards it, a hand wrapping anxiously around the metal. Sam began to awkwardly twirl, spin, bend and flex for his lover whilst the time feeling oddly feminine (not that really bothered him, he was comfortable with himself).

"Er... I'm.. Miss Sugar Pink. Liquor liquor lips?" Within that instant moment, Sam's lips became neon and glittery as he sang, more changes unfolded. "H-hit me with your s-s-sweet love. Steal me with a kiss?" Sam continued to dance, ignoring his black pants slowly becoming tighter, shrinking... and pink.

"Oh!" He heard Raphael shout. "This is my... _ham_."

" _Jam,_ " Gabriel corrected. "C'mon, Sammymoose, own it!"

Growing bolder, Sam gripped the pole with his legs and spun himself around, hanging upside down while flourishing his arms. "I'm Miss Sugar Pink, liquor, liquor lips! I'm gonna be your Bubblegum Bitch. I'm gonna be your Bubblegum Bitch!"

The previously black pants had turned into pink latex shorts, when Sam turned his back to the door a low chorus of _"Daaaaaamn."_ could be heard throughout the land.

"Dat is...ooooh so fine" Gabriel's mind trailed off...

_I... Could get used to this..._ Adam could be heard quietly murmuring in the back of Michael's head.

Even Crowley, who had just poofed into the room, under the bed, summoned by the rendition of an all-time classic, was nodding in approval of Sam's fine ass as he sipped his equally fine Scotch.

Sam threw out his hands in a final effort to impress Lucifer and taking his gaze away from his awkwardly noticeable boner (he had no idea how it had survived Lucifer's atrocious dance moves, but apparently he was _that_ sexually frustrated) that accumulated in his shorts (which also housed his fine ass). The sigils painted on both Sam and Lucifer began glowing stronger, so much so that Sam had to close his eyes. Crowley averted his eyesight away, taking note the Sigils had not of been painted onto his fine ass.

Lucifer and Sam enveloped each other and fell onto the bed, the _ritual,_ had begun.

Crowley, for the next 2 (or 3) hours, sat through unbelievably awkward dirty talk, (he was so stunned by their awful 'sexy' talk that he couldn't even poof away):

"Mm, Lu, harder."

"... Sam, I'm not even... in yet."

...

"Lucifer come on, pound my... sex-kitten!"

"Sam you're... you have a penis."

"Oh, yeah."

...

"What does _this_ do?"

...

"Dirty Sanchez my tunnel of love!"

...

"I want your _Angel delight, **all**_ over me."

...

"Sam, wait."

"What?"

"I need to meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite."

"Oh, I love it when you talk nerdy~"

"Wait till you see my lvl.10 spell of Fine Ass Obliteration."

"Oh my... "

_..._

"Sam I want you to tease me, like roleplay... I'll start. I take off my shirt and kiss your neck."

"I put on my robe of Gryffindor and wizard hat! I'm holding the house cup..."

"Not that kind of roleplay, Sam."

_..._

"Sam, your _manly love cave_ feels so good."

...

"Lu! Let me board your ship of love!"

"Board me!"

Sam made a beeping noise, "Now boarding the A.S.S Lucifer! Big load incoming!"

...

"Hey, sexy. I love it when you smother me with love."

"That's Nutella's slogan"

"... Give me 5 minutes, get a spoon."

...

"You're pale white and ice cold, I know what you are."

"Say it, out loud. Say it."

"Archangel."

"Are you afraid?"

"No... "

...

"Yes! Tell me what you want... Do I have to force you?"

"No... I volunteer! _I volunteer as tribute!_ "

"Ooooh, I love it when you go all white girl on me... "

...

"My tastes are very... singular. You wouldn't understand... "

...

"Yes! Luce!"

"Sam!"

"Yes! Smite me oh mighty smiter! Ooooh!"

...

"You taste just like tea... Earl Grey."

"Mm, you like _that?_ "

"Ahhh, more like... Earl _Gay._ "

...

"Lu, I'm going to cover you in salad dressing... and then I'm going to lick it all off."

...

"Yes! Oh that's so good..."

"Like it Sam?"

"I love it!"

"Almost there..."

"Yes... More, oh fuck yes, oh... Crowley!"

"... What?"

"... I said _prowling._ I want to... be your sex-kitten, tiger... rawr."

...

"I'm going, Sam!"

"Going where?"

"Wait, no... I'm _coming!"_

"Oh. Oohhh."

...

There were also loud thumping noises and what he assumed was the slapping of Sam's fine ass.

_I know I've sinned, I know I haven't done anything good in this life, but please, all-mighty one... have mercy. Just, end me... please..._ Crowley begged. _Not even I deserve this..._

But Chuck was not in a merciful mood (omnipotence **_definitely_** had its downsides), and decided that Crowley probably deserved any torment the couple unknowingly inflicted on him for not showing any concern towards their privacy.

_"Sam... That was so brilliant."_

_"It was, Luce..."_

Like proud mothers, the three other archangels had stood outside, unphased, amused, but happy for their brother.

However the same could not be said for Dean who was currently being rapidly fanned by Castiel.

"Cas... Sammy!"

"It's okay, Bambi, don't think about it."

"THIS IS WORSE THAN HELL, CAS."

"That's an exaggeration, dear."

"I need pie... " Dean's voice squeaked out a pitch higher than needed.

Cas grabbed Dean's head gently, and clutched him close to his bosom, hushing him softly, "It's over now."

"Cas," Dean's voice shook. "... Sammy thinks Twilight is good for bedroom talk... I've clearly failed to raise him well."

"Dean," The angel soothed the hunter's worries. "He went to college, that's a fair amount of time where he was out of your influence, it must be where he picked it up."

Dean sighed. "Yeah, but still..."

"Your dirty talk is more than adequate," Cas informed him. "He did not learn it from you - it isn't your fault."

"I wonder who mates next... Chuck can't have just shown up for the one. Guy hasn't shown up for God knows how long." Dean pondered (and smirked at his hardly witty joke) as Castiel went off to serve him a nice, hot beverage.

"That would be quite the conundrum indeed." Death added. "It could, in fact, be anyone, considering how open everyone in this household is."

Gabriel winked at Dean.


	4. Bop To The Top

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam's life was already busy enough, with his darling new husband, Chuck and Death back on the scene. However it seems that Gabriel is up to his old tricks again as Sam wakes up to find himself at school. Dean is a nerd, Cas has embraced the punk life. Lucifer is 'The Leather Rapscallion', Michael is quoting more Shakespeare and no one remembers anything. Did I also mention... Sam is a women?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter dragged on a suprising amount and therefore has been split into parts. We apologise for any inconvience <3

_We’re all in this together!_  
_Once we know, That we are,_  
_We're all stars,_  
_And we see that-_

Sam fell out of his bed at the rude awakening the alarm clock gave him and knocked it over, shutting off the sound. Dazed and bewildered, the Winchester sat up quickly and looked around at the half plain and barren room - all items either packed away or neatly stored in beige boxes. On the other half of the room, there was another bed and various movie or TV show posters and a door. His first thought was _where the hell am I?_ His second thought was … _why do I have… breasts?_ He stood up, looked at himself and frowned. Sam was his usual height, but undeniably… female bodied? Sam scrambled around looking for a mirror, he found a decently sized one in a box under a desk. Surveying his state, Sam gaped in shock. He was a women. _Plumped lips, were his thighs too big...? breasts..._ Body in highly tight pajama top and shorts. He couldn’t help but feel sort of _unnatural_ … Of course, there was only one person who would be behind this sort of stunt.

“Gabriel.” He growled. … Unless having sex with an archangel resulted in **_outrageous_ ** hallucinations… Whatever, it _was_ probably just Gabriel dicking around.

The door on the other side of the room opened and none other than Charlie Bradbury walked out, brushing her freshly-washed hair. “You gonna get ready for class?” She questioned, smiling brightly.

"... What?"

"Class dumbass, you've got Biology?"

"Oh yeah..." _OH GOD, I’M AT SCHOOL?! What the_ fuck, _Gabriel?_ "I'll get ready..."

“Anyway, I’m gonna go ahead and wake up your brother. Don’t forget your bra again! Peace out, bitch!” Charlie waved as she left the room.

Sam fetched some clothes from his wardrobe (he noticed that they were mostly skimpy. _Great... thanks, Gabriel._ ) He swiftly showered and got dressed, bemused by the way his breasts moved when he put on his bra and pulled the overly tight T-shirt on top (thankfully Gabriel had left him some flannel overshirts… even if they were pink and purple, at least they were his _shade_ of pink... _bubblegum_ pink.). Sam then noticed the neatly placed papers scattered on his desk. One of which being a timetable, then he noticed the names of the teachers...

 _English - Michael Milligan_  
_Maths - Zachariah Adler_  
_Drama and Dance - Fergus Crowley_  
_Science - Adam Milligan_  
_Gym - Bobby Singer_  
_History - Meg Masters_  
_Philosophy - Anna Milton_  
_Social Studies - Azazel Lehne_

Sam sighed, if these were his teachers... What about the _students_ …? He left his room, coming to the realization that he must be at some kind of boarding school. Sam was dreading meeting the teachers, let alone the endless possibilities of could-be students.

"Sammy!" A recognisable voice shouted across the hall.

"Dean?" Sam spun to view his brother and spluttered when he saw him clad in a sweater vest, neat shirt and presentable trousers. He wore a tie and had glasses, a messenger bag at his side.

"Ready for biology?" A wild grin spread across Dean's face as he pulled out a pink cased phone. Pulling his glasses down, he peered at the phone. "Adam Milligan! Oh he's such a wonderful teacher!"

Sam stood in front of Dean. _For some reason, Dean isn’t freaking out about this, maybe I’m the only person that knows this is fake… and if this is Gabriel’s work, he'd want me to play along. If I'm dreaming... I can do whatever I want. Then again... I've never dreamt that I had boobs before…_

“Haha,” Sam tried to sound enthusiastic. “Great, let’s go!”

Down the stairs they went, whilst everyone stared at them (as Dean was highly sought after due to his attractiveness and delicate nature), Sam still tried to wrap his head around breast jiggle physics, staring down at the mounds in confusion.

“You okay, Sammy?” Dean questioned, looking concerned. Sam wasn’t really sure how to phrase _I woke up as a woman in an alternate universe… I have breasts the size of actual melons and they move like they have minds of their own, so no, I am not overly okay with this situation_ in a way that wouldn't weird his brother out.

At least his hair was still beautiful.

“I’m dandy.” Sam replied.

"Good," Another welcoming smile from Dean as they walked into Biology, and sat down at the front together. "Morning class! Your papers are on your desks today, we will be studying... metaphorically _'The birds and the bees!'_ In basic terms, _fucking_.”

A young chirpy Adam stood at the front of the class, dressed in a smart jacket, a collared shirt and casual trousers. He wrote on the board:  
  
**TERM ONE - SEX EDUCATION THE MATING DANCE. CONTRACEPTIVE DEVICES. SOMETHING TO DO WITH PENISES, VAGINAS, AND MORE! ;)**

Sam scanned the classroom for familiar faces. Other than Dean none stood out, the classroom door opened and the sudden stench of aftershave hit the room. A young man with messy black hair, tipped blue, ripped tight black jeans with the words _‘They said all teenagers scare the living shit out of me’_ freshly reapplied with tipex. An askew tie sat upon a crinkled shirt, professionally untucked from a scruffy belt. Large blue headphones were clipped around his head.

"Castiel Novak, you’re late. _Again_." An annoyed Adam checked his watch.

Cas shrugged, a cheeky grin on his face. “My watch is broken.”

Adam glared at him. “Your watch is always broken. I’d say you should go see Ellen and get it fixed. Now sit down, you little shit.”

Cas smirked and made his way to Sam and Dean’s desk and then sat on it, in front of Dean before murmuring, “Hello, Dean.”

Dean was instantly flustered. “H-hi, Cas.”

Sam chuckled internally. Well at least some things hadn't changed, they were still denying it.

“... Sit in a chair.” Adam instructed. Cas looked at him innocently.

“It seemed only appropriate I sit in the vicinity of Dean given the, ah, _subject matter_.”

Dean turned red and refused to meet Cas’ eyes. “I need to use the desk.”

Dean couldn’t see the wink Cas sent his way, but his blush deepened at his suggestive tone. “I thought that I’d need to be present for such a thing, so I could do you on the desk just like you do your work-”

“Alright,” Adam sighed, used to Castiel’s antics. “Sit down, on a chair, and I may consider not giving you a detention.”

Cas jumped off of the desk and flopped into the chair nearest Dean’s and smiled. “Sounds like a deal, Milligan.”

"As I was going to start saying... The birds and the bees! Ah... Such a wonder... oh, where do I begin?"

"How about when a guy sticks his dick into a female? Or... male?" Cas interrupted.

Dean turned to Sam as he knew Cas was staring intently towards him. Sam let out a weak smile, attempting to reassure his brother. (Though reassurance was hardly the way to fix the intense sexual tension between his brother and Cas).

“This is bordering on sexual harassment, N-N-Novak." A flustered Dean shook nervously, eyes darting from Sam to Cas, who was chewing on a pencil thoughtfully.

“Doesn’t count if you enjoy or encourage it,” Cas pointed out. “If I recall correctly, I have been on the receiving end of many of your borderline sexual comments.”

“Like what?!” Dean blurted.

“Just being around you sets my synapses on fire. If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?-” Cas grinned at Dean.

“I was drunk, Ca-Novak, and it was one time!” Dean defended himself.

"Yet you shuffle, wiggle and move uncomfortably whenever I enter the room?"

"NOVAK, SIT YOUR ASS DOWN." A tomato faced Adam glared at Castiel.

"Just remember, Dean... I'm in the dorm opposite." Following a wink, Castiel sat back down. Sam noted that they were also about as subtle in this world as they were in his regular one.

“Right,” Adam rolled his eyes and shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. “I have a group activity planned for this session!”

“Group activity?” Cas raised an eyebrow, smirk appearing.

"No, no! It's about the product of the birds and the bees!" Adam handed out sheets to the class as he continued to talk. "Pair up with a partner and use this sheet to determine how your child would look if you both... mated."

“Hey, Winchester,” Both of them looked to Cas, who had shouted. “Since you two can’t fuck, one of you should come here!”

“I would like to add,” Adam piped up. “That if you partner up with someone of the same sex, one of you should use the chromosomes of the opposite sex, to give more variety and accuracy.”

Dean looked to Sam, back to Cas, blushed again and then grabbed his bag and moved to sit next to Cas.

“You scored, Novak.” Adam told Cas.

 _Oh dear Lord..._ Sam facedesked.

After another 'riveting' hour of biology, Sam, Dean and Punkstiel made their way to English.

"Did you know that Michael and Adam are twins? Crazy, right? I've heard Michael however is rather erratic in his teaching method." Dean smiled, proud of his newfound knowledge. Cas had his arm slung over Dean’s shoulder and as Dean was in a decent mood, he let the other keep his arm there.

“Of course you’d know that, dork.” Cas said affectionately.

"I love it when you call me dork." Dean blushed, crimson spreading across his cheeks.

A smug Castiel walked the hallways with his Dean in toe whilst an awkward Sam played with his hair, trying to ignore the sexual tenstion. The English block of the school was extremely modern with extremely fancy architectural design and many of the walls had screens screwed into them. Various unrecognisable teens crowded into classrooms until Sam found the one he was in.

An exact clone of Adam sat behind a desk near the front of the class. He noticed them entering the room and stood abruptly, raising his arms, “Welcome, my children!”

“... Oh.” Said Cas. “He’s one of those kind of teachers.”

Sam wasn’t sure if he was looking forward to the lesson or not. It’d certainly be an… _interesting_ experience. Dean and Cas found seats at the back of the classroom, leaving Sam on his own. He shot them a bitch-face and sat as far as way as possible, at the front of the classroom just to spite them. On his journey to the front of the classroom, he noticed Kevin and sent him a smile before taking a seat.

The teacher, assuming everyone was here, stood up once more to address the class. "Good morrow class! I am Sir Michael Milligan! Your English teacher for the rest of your academic lives here at St.Colt's. I have a PHD in Shakespeare and I can _assure_ you it's legitimate! I will be taking you for literature whilst Lady Ruby Cortese will take you for language. Any questions?"

Just then, ACDC’s _Back in Black_ began playing, and the door slammed open as someone trundled into the room on a tiny pink tricycle. Everyone turned around, gasping at the leather-clad rapscallion. Sam stared, gobsmacked.

“Lucifer?!” He questioned, horrified.

The archangel took off his sunglasses slowly and looked at Sam, raising an eyebrow. “What’s up, sugar lips?”

"Lucifer Nickleson! Why doth thou always insist upon making dramatic entrances to my wondrous land of learning? My beauteous educational abode?" Michael shouted at the leather covered male.

"Because I _can?"_ Lucifer avoided the teacher’s gaze as he sat his tricycle up near the blackboard. Sam was laughing internally as he noticed the pink tassels placed on the ends of the handlebars, Barbie stickers and what he was pretty sure was a Hello Kitty lunchbox in a basket at the back of the bike.

“You have disappointed me, young one,” Michael shook his head sadly. “Take a seat next to Lady Samanthatha Winchester.”

“... That isn’t my name.” Sam pointed out.

“Still your tongue, insolent villain!” Michael yelled.

Sam didn't see the point in starting an argument with a man still living in the dark ages, so he shut up. Lucifer slide off his little Dora The Explorer backpack and placed it under the desk and proceeded to awkwardly sit next to Sam.

 _Lucifer... You’re not normal either, are you?_ Sam internally sighed to himself, remembering his Lucifer back home. The Lucifer with the chicken-esque mating dance, striking and ironically pure white wings. His cold touch...

"Samanthatha! Day-dreaming already? We haven't even started!" Michael glared, a judging look. “Anyhow, today we will be partaking in the study of Juliet and Romeo!”

Sam tuned out as Michael began to drone about _forbidden love,_ and _this is what happens if you don’t use contraceptive devices!_ He felt Lucifer nudge him and he looked up, curious.

“Want to fuck?” He mouthed.

“What?” Sam mouthed back, scandalized.

“Want a duck?” Lucifer whispered.

Sam was utterly confused. He really wasn’t _that_ bad at lip-reading. Lucifer sighed in annoyance and shrugged at Sam before continuing to stare at the teacher for the duration of the next five minutes. Sam yawned and zoned in and out of the lecture as Michael droned on about sacrilege and blasphemy.

 _What is this, some Twilight crap?_ Sam thought to himself, miffed that Lucifer was ignoring him and even over exaggerating unfriendly body language by literally hanging out of his seat, as far from Sam as he could be while sat next to him. _What the hell is Gabriel playing at? We're practically married. This is ridiculous._ Sam faked a cough, trying to catch Lucifer's attention but his attempt only gained Michael's interest.

"Aha!" He bellowed. "Lady Samanthatha volunteers to play the role in our dramatic reenactment!"

"R-R-Reenactment?" Sam spluttered over his words as Michael promptly pulled him out of his seat. "Now obviously you'll be Juliet because... gender roles are indeed obvious. Which young man will play the daring, dashing and handsome Romeo?"

Silence fell across the room except for the exaggerated yawn and stretch from Lucifer. "A volunteer!"

"What...?" A sleepy voice escaped his lips as the messy blonde was dragged beside Sam.

“This will be a collaboration with the Drama department, and therefore it shall count towards your grades for both! Fergus, if you will!” Michael shouted with a flourish. Crowley appeared from under the desk.

“I liked my idea of an entrance better,” Crowley informed the class. “He held me against my will, and I could actually get him arrested for that.”

Kevin looked at Crowley, wide-eyed, then to Michael, “... does he mean… what I think he means?”

Michael gave Kevin a very serious look, and then his eyes softened and he looked to the floor, as if stricken. “Yes, it is true... we are _lovers_.”

“We _are?”_ Crowley questioned, looking horrified.

“And _that_ is how you act, my children!” Michael cried passionately.

“I refuse to be Juliet.” Sam complained.

“You were born for the role!” Michael told him, set on the matter.

“I refuse to act as Juliet… however, if I could be _Romeo_... It’d send a statement, and isn’t that what drama’s about? It’d be a unique retelling of an old classic!”

“No.” Michael said, final in his decision.

“ _Yes,_ ” Crowley said, glaring at Michael. “Sam is the perfect Romeo, look at that _hair!_ Plus I can get you arrested for keeping me hostage.”

"Oh my God..." Michael facepalmed as he sat down towards his desk once more.

"I object!" Lucifer shouted towards Crowley. "That means, I'm Juliet. No."

"But, Lucifer! You have the perfect eyes and, erm... figure."

"So Juliet was a muscled man in his teenagers years who involves himself in sexual-" Lucifer was rudely interrupted by Michael as majority of females in the class gasped at the idea of a leather wearing rapscallion as... Juliet, whilst the majority of the males simply looked in disgust.

"Too much information, young one! We do not want to hear of your sexual antics! You are Juliet of the Capulets! You shall be a fine women!"

 _“I refuse.”_ Lucifer said, mimicking Sam’s earlier statement.

“You fail, then.” Crowley said simply.

“ _Fine_ , I’m Juliet.” Lucifer crossed his arms and pouted.

"Good boy." A evil grin spread across the Drama Teacher's face. "Now your scripts are here... "

Two large clumps of paper were handed to the two reading: _Romeo and Juliet - Act 1 Scene 5._

"I have to kiss her?!" Lucifer's eyes widened. Internally, Sam smiled.

"Yes... as the script suggests!" Crowley seemed unphased by the boy's reaction, simply amused.

"This is stupid!"

"Fail or pass, Lucifer?"

With an annoyed grunt, Lucifer sat back into his seat, glaring at the two.

Kevin spoke up, “To be fair, Sam’s pretty smoking.”

“What?” Sam span around to face Kevin, a confused blush rising to his face.

Kevin shrugged. “I’m not objectifying you, I mean it in a genuine way. Sam, you’re a good looking person. Your hair is fucking perfect and those cheekbones? Yeah, a guy’s gotta be a fool to turn his nose up at the opportunity to kiss you. Plus, you’re pretty great overall, really…”A calculating look made its way to his face.

Lucifer quickly backtracked. “ _I’m_ Juliet! We know you have a thing for dresses, but really…”

“So? Nothing wrong with that.” Kevin challenged as Sam wondered what the hell was going on. Lucifer gave up, realizing that his point of argument was ridiculous and Crowley was dead-set on having him as Juliet, meaning that Kevin wouldn’t be an issue.

“I know. I’m still Juliet though.”

"Enough, my children! We still have a lesson to be taught fully... Crowley, off with ye so I can finish my educational teachings!" Michael smiles smugly as he received an extremely disgusted look from the other teacher. Crowley gladly and quickly ran out the room. The remainder of the lesson was rather boring to Sam, Michael prancing about and admiring the grammar, punctuation and writing of other pupils. After what seemed an eternity, the bell rang, signalling the last lesson before break.

“What’ve you got next, Sammy?” Dean asked. Cas had disappeared rapidly in the direction of a section of the building labeled history department.

“Huh, History. Wonder why Cas hurried off…” Sam contemplated.

Dean looked disgruntled, “I’ve got Geography, which is in the opposite direction. _Great_.”

“Well, erm, I’ll see you at lunch?”

“Yeah of course, I’m going to be in the common rooms though, I have work to do.” With a quick smile and a re-angling of his glasses, Dean hurried off quickly towards the geography block. Sam walked quickly towards history and joined the queue that was forming outside the classroom. Scanning briefly, he saw the faces of Castiel, Lucifer and once more Kevin, who gave him a little wave and an awkward grin.

“Jenifer Branning, you’re at the back… Max, you are also at the back - on her left.” The recognisable, slightly monotonous female voice reached Sam’s ears. _Meg..?_ “Clarence, at the front, and you three on the second row.” She gestured at where she wanted Sam, Lucifer and Kevin to sit.

Once the small number of students had seated themselves, Meg looked at the class and muttered, “Well, either no one likes history or they’re all raving it up in the bathrooms again…”

Cas laughed like it was the funniest thing he had ever heard. The only way Sam could describe the way the angel-turned-teen looked at the demon-turned-teacher would be _heart-eyes._

Sam once more had been seated near Lucifer, this time in front of him, however. For the first five minutes, Sam swore Lucifer had thrown collectively three pages of tiny paper balls at the back of his head.

“Good afternoon Class, I am Meg Masters, but you can call me Meg… if you want to be expelled.” The teacher gestured to her name on the whiteboard, written in extremely flowery and neat handwriting. “This year in History we will be studying four units… It won’t take long considering there are eight of us here.” Meg passed papers around the room, explaining the four units and their overviews.

“I hand-picked these myself.” Meg smiled slightly, addressing the class.

Sam swore Cas batted his eyelashes at Meg. “Did you pick them for the blood, gore, and death?”

She gave him a calculating look, “Yes, I did. I appreciate the internal organ spillage throughout our history.”

“I love blood and guts _too!”_ He simpered, eyes practically sparkling.

Kevin leant over and whispered to Sam. “Things are getting _uncomfortably_ heterosexual in here.”

Cas turned to Kevin. “Are you trying to start a fight?”

Kevin held his hands up in a surrendering gesture. “I said the previous statement in a humorous nature. I in no way intended to label you or mock you and I fully accept you for who you are.”

“How is he so good at defusing arguments?” Lucifer asked, genuinely baffled.

“He’s not a complete douchebag?” Sam supplied.

“I resent that comment.” Lucifer complained.

“I’m the _best.”_ Kevin grinned.

“I hate all of you already.” Meg stated, sitting down at her desk and flopping her head down onto a book.

“Miss, we’ll behave! Won’t we, everyone?” The glare from Cas said it all, everyone shut up, not for the sake of Castiel’s failing flirtation, but for the fact of everyone wanted more of it.

“Thank you , Clarence, now I will start where the organs fell. The Egyptians!” Sam raised an eyebrow as he was certain a quiet happy squeal escaped from the fidgeting Castiel in the front row.

“She has a nickname for me!” The squeal was so high-pitched, no one could really be sure if it had came from Cas or if they had imagined it.

“Okay now, as you seem so keen Clarence, could you please state the dates of the Egyptian era?” Meg turned to look at the angel-teen, a simple amused look spread across her face at the eagerness of the apparent punk.

“Erm, 3500BC to 0BC. We call these Dynasties!”

“Good. Now can anyone explain to me why it ended?”

“Because the bitch queen died.” Lucifer spoke up, at least showing some knowledge considering his approach.

“Bitch queen? Do you mean _Cleopatra?”_ Meg grimaced. “Explain to me, why was she a _bitch queen?”_

“Uh-” Lucifer started.

“He’s in for it now.” Kevin muttered, ducking under the desk.

"Because she is a female, and all females are bitches?" Lucifer looked like the words were coming out of his mouth without his strict permission the _‘oh what the fuck am doing?’_ visible on his face… Sam concluded that Gabriel was taking some form of twisted revenge out upon his older sibling.

"Lucifer Nickleson, are you being _sexist?_ Oh... and choose your next words very, _very_ carefully." A stern glare stared Lucifer straight in the eye.

“He’s gonna die.” Sam heard Kevin whisper from under the table.

"I thought I was being factual." Lucifer looked like he regretted everything. Meg looked like she was going to kill him very violently.

"OUT! Before I commit homicide and show you the _definition_ of being a bitch." Meg shouted at the boy who proceeded to get up and walk 'coolly' out of the room (because how else do you walk out a room?).

“That was so hot.” Cas whispered, Meg levelled him with a fierce glare.

“Do you want me to throw you out too?” She questioned.

“No.” Cas blushed.

“Oh dear Lord.” Kevin murmured.

"Anyone else?" Meg eyed up the class before concluding with a grin. "No? Excellent, back to the blood based Egyptians!"

The hour of history went by rather quickly. Kevin ducked under the desk constantly and at one point tried to jump out the window to escape the awkward tension between Meg and Castiel. Castiel tried many more attempts at making some connection, even coming out with the pick-up line;

"Meg, I'd whip a thousand slaves for you."

Sam wished he'd seen the outcome but he became preoccupied with job of prying Kevin away from the window again, he did however, hear Meg saying, “That’s... sweet, but the enslavement of people to pile rocks on top of more rocks is _not_ the best part of Egyptian history.”

“Please, have _mercy.”_ Kevin cried.

“We can get through this!” Sam told him, clutching onto the tiny prophet tightly.

“Maaaaybe if you don’t crush me first, _yeesh!”_ Kevin choked.

“Sorry.” Sam muttered, letting Kevin go but immediately grabbing hold of him again when he made a dash for the door.

“Let this nightmare end!” He pleaded.

"Kevin, please cooperate with me!"

"Don't let me die in this pit of desperate tension!" The little prophet broke down into a fit of tears, wailing for the rest of the lesson whenever he saw Cas bat an eyelash or grin. In the meanwhile, Sam had completely forgot about Lucifer, who was making silly faces as he pressed his nose against the glass panel of the door.

The bell rang.

"Well... That was a very interesting start to the year. I am _certainly_ looking forward to the rest of our academic years..." Sam swore he had never heard something so patronising.

“I’m _certainly_ looking forward to learning more from you, Miss Masters.” Cas pouted, actually _pouted_. Sam suddenly understood Kevin’s desire to nose-dive out of the window but he resisted the urge.

Meg gave them all a look and swiftly exited the room, shaking her head.

“Are we safe?” Kevin whimpered.

“Maybe.” Sam replied. Cas was still making heart-eyes at the door and it was kind of vomit-inducing. Sam… would have to tell Dean…

“She makes me want to sing MCR at the top of my lungs and I don’t know why.” Castiel sighed, suddenly looking forlorn.

Sam shuddered, remembering he needed to meet Dean in the common room. As Sam passed through the corridors he wondered who he would actually by hanging out with other than Dean. Also, he was hungry... very hungry. After a couple of awkward questions and checks of his 'school-diary', he managed to find the set of rooms Dean had mentioned.

"Sammy, in here!" The familiar warming smile of his brother was a relief for Sam as the day had been a little more than hectic. Dean was surrounded by a collection of papers and books and beside him, Charlie.

"Hey Sam, I saved you a seat!" The chirpy red head exclaimed. Sam sat down in the designated seat left for him and watched two others walk in simultaneously.

“Sup, losers?” Kevin smiled as Cas took the seat furthest from Dean, eliciting a raised eyebrow from Sam’s nerdy brother.

“Who’re you calling a loser? I’m super cool! Dean, on the other hand…” Charlie laughed.

“Shut up.” Dean pushed her playfully.

“Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?” Charlie questioned.

“Oh God…Don’t remind me of that English lesson…” Dean groaned.

"Guys," Cas spoke, propping his feet up on the desk. "Anyone else starving? As I'm in a good mood. I'm buying today, you’ll owe me however."

Castiel took orders and as he left Sam took this as the perfect opportunity to tell Dean about his antics during History and so he gave him a run down with commentary from Kevin.

"He did what? I thought he was into me!" Dean's face was a mixture of shock and disappointment.

"Well, apparently he's into Masters too. Like, I _get_ it, she’s pretty hot. Not that you’re not hot, but yeah..." Charlie added before glaring at Kevin who muttered quietly;

"Heh... Masters." Dean grabbed a book and thumped it on the little prophet’s head, ignoring the whine which followed afterwards.

“You kind of give him mixed signals,” Sam stated. “Maybe if you showed more interest…?”

“How, Sammy?” Dean asked desperately.

“ _Why_ am I giving you guy advice again?” Sam rolled his eyes.

“Because chicks are great at this kind of stuff.” Dean waved off Sam’s comment and didn’t notice Sam’s wince of discomfort at being referred to as a girl, it was still really weird for him.

“Maybe _not_ brush him off next time he makes a pass? Even if his pick-up lines are awful.” Sam suggested, shrugging.

"But they’re _beyond_ awful..." Dean grimaced.

"Well and truly awful..." Kevin added.

"You’re not helping!" The baby prophet earned another gentle whack on the head from Charlie.

"I don't know Dean, warm up to him? Embrace his jokes, maybe even give them back."

"I'm back with food!" A cheerier than usual Castiel walked through the door "Sandwich for Charlie, wrap for the imp," Kevin glared at the punk, but accepted the food with a happy squeal and Cas shrugged it off "Chips for Samanthatha and pie for Sunshine Freckles.”

“Thanks, sugarylumps.” Dean blushed.

“Oh. God.” Kevin whispered, horrified. Charlie held back a laugh.

Cas looked at Dean blankly before wondering, “Dean… are you feeling okay?”

“I’m great, musclehunk.” Dean continued.

Cas looked slightly disturbed. He leaned forwards slowly, as if afraid Dean would attack him and took his temperature, causing his blush to deepen. “You’re running warm…”

“You always make me hot, sweet nips.” Dean said… before realizing what he had said. He paled considerably.

Sam let out a shocked laugh, unable to keep it in. “... Sweet… _nips_.”

“I’m… going to sit down now...” Cas looked vaguely terrified.

“I’m going to bury myself in a ditch.” Dean said in a cheerful manner, as if he wasn’t completely mortified.

“Dude,” Charlie, to her credit, had managed not to laugh and she barely even smirked. “This is why you can’t be my wingman. You throw me off my game, it puts the maidens off.”

“Does anyone have a shovel?” Dean asked. Kevin patted his shoulder, and offered the older Winchester part of his wrap.

“Thanks, Kevin, but I can’t dig a hole with that…” Dean murmured.

“But you _sure_ can dig one with your words.” Sam pointed out with a shit-eating grin.

“I hate being related to you.” Dean told him, holding his head in his hands.

“I know.” Sam grinned. Surprisingly enough, Cas was quiet for the rest of lunch, sitting quietly contemplating as he nibbled his baguette (and he didn’t even eat it in the suggestive manner he usually would, staring at Dean as his lips gently caressed the French bread).

As the bell for the next class rang, Cas shot Dean another strangely worried look and went to check his temperature again.

“Someone’s a mother hen.” Charlie stage-whispered to Sam, who smirked. The tiny prophet suddenly twitched, eyes widening as his arm whipped out and smacked Cas into Dean. Cas fell on top of Dean, planting a soft kiss on his lips as he descended into his lap. The two's eyes widened at the kiss and extreme lack of space between their two bodies.

“I think I ship it.” Kevin whispered, and was hushed by a silently fangirling Charlie.

“Hello, Dean.” Cas murmured. Dean went in to kiss him again and Cas didn't reject. As their lips met, Cas propped himself up to meet Dean on the same level. The world around them blurred as if they were in a Young Adult romance novel as the months of unresolved romantic and sexual tension, awkward pick-up lines and constantly blushing was sorted within the space of a minute. The two pulled away smiling and grinning like children, Cas let out a nervous chuckle and ran a hand through Dean's hair.

“How was that for our first kiss, _sweet nips?”_ Cas smirked.

“Shut up!” Dean blushed In the background, oblivious to the two lovers, Kevin dramatically fanned Charlie who was on the brink of fainting. A more panicked look overcame him.

"Stay with me, girl!"

"It was so beautiful... " Sam swore he saw tears well up within her eyes. "I... Agghhhhhh, just _hold_ me." Charlie began wailing at the beauty of the profound bond Dean and Cas shared.

"Charlie, snap out of it!" Sam frowned at Charlie before smiling at his brother and his apparent new boyfriend.

“I've just won a bet and my OTP is canon, this is the best day ever!" She grinned.


	5. When We Stand, Hand In Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coming slowly accustomed to his school life, Sam tries to settle in at St.Colts. However, never giving up his search - finds Gabriel and confronts the Trickster. But, as time goes on, Sam can't help deny the fact, there’s something enticing about the Archangel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crack, but not...  
> Warning: Really bad drawings, including some... slightly explicit ones?   
> Also, direct quotes from Romeo and Juliet are used.
> 
> Hello there! We decided on one fateful night to record ourselves reading out the first chapter of our beauteous works of fiction! If you, the reader, would like to listen to this and torture yourselves with the sounds of our voices (and terrible voice acting) of which will forever haunt your nightmares, do say in the comments! With enough interest, we’ll release it.

After the busy lunch where the predicted Destiel had been confirmed, Charlie’s fangirling caused her to go see the school nurse and Sam had sat miserably next to Kevin, whom of which was ecstatic, it was fourth lesson. Sam checked his timetable and looked over at the ‘Cas-intoxicated’ Dean.

“We have Drama, Dean… with Crowley.” Sam whimpered at the thought of Crowley as a teacher, assuming he’d be cruel… miserable… _horrifying_. Sam shook the thoughts from his mind.

“Heh, _Fergus_.” Kevin smiled happily to himself.

“Sounds scottish” Charlie added.

"He _is_ originally Scottish." Cas stated.

"How'd you know that?" Kevin questioned.

Cas smirked. "I have sources."

Kevin looked horror-struck. ".. _. Meg?"_

Cas shrugged, refusing to answer.

“Come on, Dean, we’re already late.” Sam tried to hurry his brother, grabbing both of their bags and work.

“5 more minutes…” Dean whined.

_“Dean.”_ Sam glared, annoyed.

“Fine!” Dean gave Castiel one more peck on the cheek and stood up and grabbed back his stuff from Sam.

"... Which direction is drama anyway?" Sam wondered.

"For a genius, you're surprisingly dumb." Dean rolled his eyes, but lead them towards the drama hall.

"You've barely been Cas' boyfriend for an hour and a half, yet you're already _twice_ as bitchy and angry."

"Technically, we're not official ... And I don't like your generalization." Dean said, giving Sam a disapproving look. Unnoticed by them, Raphael stood behind the pait, an eyebrow quirked in interest.

"Hello, Winchesters." The deep voice of Raphael startled the two siblings.

"Oh... Hey Raphael." The Winchesters spoke simultaneously and they turned to the archangel who looked rather modern compared to usual. A collared, pink, shirt turned up at the neck with denim-ripped jeans which looked like a knife cut them.

"So, Drama buddies, are we?"

"I guess." Dean, feeling a little intimidated, shifted closer to Sam's side. Sam did the same, for once thanking the fact he was a giant whom could tower over even archangels.

"Hm, not many people took drama..." The archangel eyed the queue.

Dean laughed awkwardly, "Aha, yeah."

Raphael leaned in closer, sending the brothers a strange look. "I guess we'll have to stick close to each other, then."

Dean bristled, putting a hand on Sam's arm in reassurance. "... Don't hit on my sister..."

Raphael looked genuinely upset at the accusation but then masked his expression. "I am sorry if I gave you the impression that I was interested in your sister, that was not my intention. I will have you know that I am strictly into penis. I am a very healthily homosexual individual. I do love me some excellent phallus. If your sister perhaps had a -"

"Please, stop." Dean begged, eyes wide and full of nightmares yet to come.

"Get your arses in... Yes, I'm Scottish!" Crowley’s voice could be easily heard above the crowd. "Ah my, Romeo and friends, get in!"

The trio sighed as they walked onto an extremely large wooden stage, crimson velvet curtains draped along the sides and a costume/prop trunk was messily slung at the back. Sam spotted two familiar faces, his husband or said Juliet and Gabriel who locked eyes with Sam before bursting into giggles. Sam shot him a bitchface that could win awards. Whilst Crowley was preoccupied with a troublesome student, Sam stormed over to Gabriel and pulled him by the neck behind a curtain.

"What the _fuck_ , Gabe!" Sam whisper-shouted at the trickster.

Gabriel held his hands up in a surrendering motion. "This isn't my fault, I swear."

Sam looked at him incredulously. "You're the only one that realized something is wrong. You're the also _trickster_."

"I had a dream!" Gabriel defended himself.

"Elaborate. I thought angels didn't sleep."

"Avoiding death took a lot out of me, alright? I've been powering up in a _human_ fashion, _sleeping,_ and I had a dream I was in a generic high school were all my friends/foes/family were students and teachers." Gabriel frowned "And yes, you were a womanly-moose."

“And you’re saying it… just came true?” Sam questioned, an eyebrow raised.

“Yes!” Gabriel insisted.

Suddenly, the curtain was pulled back and Crowley murmured, “Well, well, well. What do we have here? May I remind you that… having _sexual relations_ behind my curtains is against the rules and you’ll also owe me a new pair.”

Sam blushed and Gabriel smirked. “Gotcha, _sir_.”

The two hurried back to the class who had seemed to collect on the floor in front of Crowley’s makeshift table - two cardboard boxes.

Crowley stood in front of the class. “Hello everyone. I am Crowley, your drama professor for the rest of your joyful years here at St.Colts… why is there only one girl?”

Sam had only now noticed that he was indeed the only female in the classroom, blushing, he stayed close to Gabriel for the comfort that at least he was normal.

“And yet she towers above anyone else here.” Lucifer muttered, almost as if he was annoyed.

“There are other… females in this school. Other female-type people, which is what I am for sure, in this learning establishment, but not in this classroom... exactly... right now…” Sam started babbling.

“Reasons such as this... unintellectual babbbling are why I prefer the, ah, _‘D’._ ” Raphael whispered to Dean, suggestively leaning closer to him. Dean looked horrified, eyes wide and shoulders hunched in a protective position.

At the utterance of the sexist comment, Meg suddenly fell from the ceiling, tackling Raphael to the floor, deadly silently as he squealed.

“What did you say, young man?” She asked casually.

“I surrender to the matriachy!” He yelled, terrified. Meg got up and walked backwards towards the door, never breaking eye contact with Raphael as she glared. Raphael held his breath and didn’t get up until she had left the room with a _I’ve got my eyes on you_ gesture.

A unphased Crowley smiled slightly before addressing the class. “Please get used to Miss Masters… She’s an avid supporter of equal rights for all genders… Oh! And Raphael, she’s _always_ watching.” The fact Crowley was totally unphased by the last minute left Raphael nodding awkwardly and gulping at the idea of Meg watching him as he slept.

Crowley started rambling about his subject. “We are giving a performance of a beloved, favourite musical of mine - _Hairspray,_ and an exciting version of Shakespeare’s Juliet and Romeo, performed by our dear Miss Samanthatha and young Lucifer.”

“Gabriel, what do we do?” Sam whispered quietly to the trickster whilst Crowley went over the yearly plan.

“I don’t know, this has never happened before.”

“Never?”

“Well, there are first times for many things… Samanthatha.” Sam shot Gabriel his best bitch-face.

“This is _utter_ bullshit,” Sam complained. “And I’m _still_ blaming you for this.”

For Drama, the lesson was unnaturally boring and silent. Though Sam figured that is how most first lessons go, sorting paperwork and going through ideas and plans for the rest of the year. After a couple checks, Sam was thankful that the last lesson of the day, for him at least was a free period. He walked the corridors with Gabriel.

“What do we do then, Sam?” Gabriel actually began to look worried and sighed deeply before turning towards Sam.

“Play along with it and hope it ends? _I_ don't know how your mind works, do I?” Sam sat on one of the tables placed in the hallway.

“How about we ditch this joint and _study some anatomy?”_ Gabriel said suddenly, grabbing on Sam’s sleeve and tugging him in the opposite direction of where they were originally heading.

“What? Gabriel?” Sam asked, confused.

“Hey, Winchester!” Sam turned around and saw Lucifer, leaning back on the wall and sending Sam a disarming smile.

“Aw _hells_ no.” Gabriel murmured.

“What do you want?” Sam wondered, curiously.

"You know, usual... Chill... Hang... Just be _mates."_ Lucifer smiled once more, causing the Winchester to shift uncomfortably as he saw the pugnacious glare from Gabriel.

"Lucifer, I'm having a bit of a private chat with Sammy." The trickster raised an eyebrow amusingly.

"Free country?" The devil grinned, tauntingly and then rolled his eyes. “Plus we have to _practice_ our _roles.”_

“Do you even _read?_ Is that a thing you know how to _do?_ Your brain is as dry as a remainder biscuit after a voyage!” Gabriel snapped.

"You bitch! _No one_ talks to _me_ like that... B-But _me!"_ Lucifer stormed towards Gabriel and lifted him up by his collar.

"Aye... Thou art unfit for any place but hell."

"GABRIEL!"

"Thou art like a toad! Ugly... and venomous." Lucifer stared at Gabriel and found himself wiping tears from his eyes. He opened his mouth to say a comeback, but instead dropped Gabriel and walked off silently, leaving a small trail of upset man-tears.

"Come on, Sam... " Tugging once more at Sam's sleeve, they went to Gabriel's dorm.

“Gabriel, wasn’t that a little... _uncalled_ for?” Sam frowned.

Gabriel refused to meet his eyes, staring stubbornly at the ceiling. “First off, it’s my dream and I have to put up with his _mopey face_ enough when I’m awake. Secondly, he’s really shitty to you...” he said before tacking on a hasty, “I-in _this world._ He won’t stop staring at your rack, I mean, it’s a great rack but you’re not just some object, so it was bugging me.”

"Well, that's _strangely_ kind of you, Gabriel... I _can_ look after myself though." Sam added with a gentle smile.

When they reached the dorm, Sam noticed the mess. Extremely obvious _can't-see-the-floor_ mess, littered with clothes and sweets. With a quick click of his fingers, all of it disappeared in a puff of golden smoke.

"I still keep some of my _perks."_ Gabriel winked at the Winchester as Sam sat on the bed and the Archangel put his hands on the bed in a suggestive manner and bobbed his eyebrows.

“Draw thy tool, my naked weapon is out.” He whispered.

Sam laughed. “I don’t have a _tool_ as such though, do I?”

Gabriel shrugged and smiled at Sam softly. “A guy can _dream,_ right?”

“You’re such a comedian,” Sam said sarcastically, his eyes rolling. “You gonna sit down, or…?”

"So demanding... You're starting to sound like Luci," The trickster slumped beside Sam. "And trust me, that's not a good thing."

Sam chuckled in response "I suppose," The hunter laid back against the wall looking at the wall opposite "Think we'll ever get out?"

"We will, Sammy! I can do anything, remember?" The archangel reassured Sam, even though he doubted his word, Sam nodded slowly in response.

" _Anything..._ " Gabriel wiggled his eyebrows at Sam.

Sam snorted, a blush rising to his face. “You can hardly complain about Luce being a pervert!”

_“I’m_ a loveable pervert!” Gabriel insisted. “Your guy rides a _tricycle_ that’s too small for him - what a _douche.”_

“I’m surprised you didn’t mention the Hello Kitty lunchbox.” Sam noted.

“That’s because you don’t fuck with Hello Kitty. Hello Kitty is the shit.” Gabriel said gravely, a hand over his heart.

Sam found himself trying to hold in his laughter again. _“Seriously?”_

“You should never take my love for Hello Kitty unseriously.” Gabriel informed him with a wink.

Sam tipped back his head and let his laughter out, his frame shaking as he covered his face in disbelief. “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.”

"Neither can I.” As Sam stopped laughing, strangely awkward silence enveloped the room

The two sat there for a few minutes then, the silence, awkward though surprisingly comforting. Glad that they both weren't alone is this weird dream. Sam yawned slightly as he noticed the time drawing on.

"I should probably get back to Dean and the rest of them, they'll be worrying." Sam smiled nervously, standing and uncomfortably pulling down his dress.

"Oh! N-no problem. No problemo whatsoever, no sir." Gabriel stood up quickly and opened the door (like a gentleman) and gestured for Sam to walk through.

Sam started to walk down the corridor when Gabriel yelled, “Sam, wait!”

Sam span around, heart pounding because of the unexpected shout, “What is it, Gabe?”

“... Want me to poof you to them? Saves walking.” Gabriel looked down and shrugged.

Sam smiled softly. “Sure.”

**~ In the common room ~**

"I love you too, Snugums..."

"You know, Kevin, this courtship was beautiful. Marvellous... Spectacular! Now it's just like watching a rom-com... On repeat." Charlie groaned as Dean and Castiel came up with other pet names.

"Sunshine Freckles is my favourite so far." Castiel teased, pulling at Dean's cheeks slightly.

“My favourite was _dorkface.”_ Kevin muttered to Charlie.

“I liked _Dweebus-Codpiece the 4th,”_ Charlie said and then blanched. “I changed my mind, they’re all _awful.”_

"Nah, I preferred simply..." Dean waved his hands in a magical gesture "Freckles."

"It's the same thing, Deanie!"

“It’s not, Cashew…” Dean pouted.

Charlie and Kevin simultaneously groaned. They were so grossed out, that when Sam suddenly appeared in the middle of the room, they didn’t even question it.

“Sam!” The little prophet cried. “Save us.”

“Still ship it?” Sam questioned as Kevin shook his head furiously.

“They can’t think with their _upstairs brains_ so their pet names are really bad.” Kevin whispered.

Sam facepalmed.

"Where you been, Sammy?" His older brother questioned.

"With Gabriel." Sam hadn't noticed the crimson cheeks that still remained on his face.

Charlie and Kevin's eyes widened "New ship!"

"Oh dear lord..." Sam muttered to himself.

"Since when did you hang out with Gabriel?" Cas questioned, dominant, pierced, eyebrow raised.

"We're in drama together... We just get along well..." Sam trailed off and shrugged.

Dean winked at him.

“Deanis, our Sammy is growing up… “ Cas’ eyes welled with emotion, Dean raised an eyebrow.

“Deanis…?” The hunter questioned. Ignorant of his lover, the punk went on.

“She’s found herself a lover… Dean, do you know what this means?”

“Expensive weddings, corridor sex and a _burling_ penis?” A cheeky grin escaped from Dean.

Sam stared at his brother and the punk in disbelief, “... What the _hell_ is a _burling penis?”_

Cas looked at Sam and squinted, before tiptoeing and wrapping his arms around Sam’s head and saying seriously, “You’re too precious to know what a burling penis is, too innocent, too precious… like a cinnamon roll, except less delicious… unless I was a cannibal.”

“Well... that escalated quickly.” Charlie sighed, facepalming “When’s your big performance anyway, Sam? We’re buying tickets.”

Sam paused and then frowned, “I actually have no idea. Crowley sucks at organizing things.”

“Erm, Sammy. The performance is tomorrow, I have my wig ready… Cas helped me finish it…” Dean smiled and rested his head on Castiel’s shoulder.

Sam was beginning to understand the painful hour the prophet and redhead had endured.

“You’re welcome, Deanis.” Cas pulled a cheesy smile.

“Tomorrow?” Sam sputtered. “I haven’t even looked at the script! I need to study...”

“Why study when you can go to Art Club?” Charlie shrugged.

“Since when were you big into art?” Sam wondered.

Charlie shrugged again. “The teach is pretty hot.”

Sam realized the pointlessness in learning the play anyway, and shrugged again, “Why not?”

Scuttling quickly, the two room-mates, followed by a baby prophet rushed down to the Art rooms. Thankful to be away from the love sickness that had contagiously spread through the common rooms. The art department was full of paintings from monotone to full neon colours. The furthest room at the end of the corridor was full of a view odd students drawing and working with paints and pencils, sitting in the corner, Gabriel. Sam felt a nudge on his left,

“Look who it is!” A quiet squeal escaped from Charlie.

Ignoring them, Sam smiled and walked over the Archangel, “Hi, Gabe!”

Gabriel quickly scrunched the paper up, throwing it towards the trash. “Sup, Samoose?”

“Just got brought down here, avoiding the ever growing loveliness that is Dean and Castiel and PDA.”

“Ah, I saw them in the corridor earlier… they’re quite the couple.” Gabriel smiled and started drawing on another piece of paper.

“What’cha drawing?” Sam scuffed his chair over to get a better view of his paper whilst Kevin and Charlie sat opposite. Kevin eyed the trash, where Gabriel had aimed the scrunched up piece of paper and missed.

“Um, just some things…” A pretty detailed flower was slowly being sketched on the blank sheets as Gabriel cleared his throat. “Ready for the big performance tomorrow?”

“I didn’t know it was for tomorrow and I haven’t even _looked_ at the script…” Sam sighed.

Gabriel looked around and then leant in, “Want some _help?”_

Unbeknownst to Gabriel, Kevin fell from his chair and shimmied across the floor in a snake-like fashion, grabbed the scrunched up bundle of paper and slowly slithered back to Charlie and seated himself again.

Gabriel softly put his finger to Sam’s forehead and then ‘gave’ him the entire play. “That’s… awfully _convenient.”_ Sam raised an eyebrow but smiled at Gabe anyway.

“I ship it.” Kevin whispered into thin air, Charlie rolled her eyes at him.

Gabriel smiled gently “Convenience is my middle name! Shame I’m not playing a big role, just an extra,” A sad yet anxious giggle erupted from the Archangel. “You’ll be great though, moose.”

Gabriel placed a hand on Sam’s shoulder, the area warming slightly at the angel’s touch. _Heh, thats new._ Sam marvelled at how the angels were always surprising him and his brother, well, at least nowadays they expected the unexpected.

Charlie and Kevin sat bouncing on their seats in anticipation, staring unnervingly at the two.

“Will they or won’t they?” Kevin murmured. “

We may never know… what’s that piece of paper?” Charlie replied.

Oblivious to the pair of troublemakers, Gabriel and Sam were still smiling at each other.

“I didn’t know you were into drama, somehow I didn’t tag you as the dramatic… actually, _never mind.”_

Gabriel laughed. “You sure know how to schmooze a man, Sam.”

“What can I say? I’m a natural. What were you drawing?”

"I like to doodle sometimes, ya know… doooooooooodle.” Gabriel smiled, unaware of Kevin fangirling at the poorly crayoned drawing scrunched in his hand. Charlie began to laugh, occasionally falling off of her chair when her laughing fit became too much. Sam pulled the piece of paper from across the table, flattening it before putting it in front of his face.

“Oh.” Was the only word that escaped Sam’s lips “D-Doodling, eh?” The fake smile came out faker than he’d expected.

“What?” Gabriel questioned, eyebrows raised. He looked at the picture, stared at it for a few seconds and did a Cas-esque squint.

“... Oh.” He echoed after a moment, drawing his eyes up to the hunter.

As Sam stood up quietly and left, he wasn't sure whether it was just embarrassment he was feeling. He hoped it was, but the pit of his stomach gnawed at mind. He closed his eyes and rubbed at his temples, trying not to think too much. _No, it’s just embarrassment,_ The Winchester reassured himself. _Just…_ A picture of Gabriel entered his mind. _Yeah… just, him._

“Sam, wait up!” Gabriel pleaded, running to catch up with him.

“Gabe…” Sam started, coming to a stop suddenly, causing Gabriel to run into the back of him and send them crashing to the floor. Gabriel sat upon Sam’s back and Sam groaned in pain.

“Okay, look!” Gabriel began quickly. “I just draw what comes to my head, what flows - you know? It’s artistic! I even drew Wincest.”

“Uh, what? Dude, you’re digging that hole deeper?” Sam frowned, never forgetting that he currently had an angel straddling his ass, _literally._

“Spontaneous artists? Never heard of them? We are those who are artistic! Using sophisticated tools like pencils… crayons… MS Paint… to create masterpieces that will live throughout the ages.” Gabriel backtracked. “Listen, don’t blame me. You’re a nice guy, moose, I swear, het guys would turn gay for you… have you seen your hair?”

A small smile came from the confused Winchester. “But now… I’ve got to see your art... even if it _is_ Wincest.”

“Deal, all this forgotten?”

“Deal.” A few moments of silence passed “Would you get off my ass now?”

“Nah, I was rather enjoying the view point. Plus, it’s comfy!”

“... did you just say I’ve got a big butt?”

“I said _comfy,_ not big… plus big isn’t bad.”

“Oh my God, my butt is big…” Sam stressed over the idea of his ass being too large.

“Since when did Sam Winchester worry about his ass being too big? Or his boobs bouncing too much?”

“Since your bloody dream got my body pumped full of estrogen… And I’ll let you know, I _like_ it when they bounce!” A quiet harrumph added a touch of sass to the comment.

“Is this a weird conversation? I feel like this is a weird conversation.”

“It’s no weirder than you telling me you draw my brother and I as lovers.”

“At least I’m not the only person!”

“Err, Evening, young fellows!” The chirpy wide eyed english teacher, Sir Michael Milligan was walking down the hallway. “Did I perchance interrupt you, mid-spooning?”

“I… _What?”_ Sam’s eyes widened in shock.

“I am merely perching myself upon the buttock of a fellow student.” Gabriel stated.

“Ah! Extraordinary!” Michael cried.

“What?” Sam wanted to smack his head on the floor but refrained from doing so.

“Oh Monsieur Gabriel, I have taught you well… did you say please before you sat upon their backside?”

“No, Sir! I simply sat.”

“Oh excellent! I admire students now days, so witty… outgoing!” Michael then eyed Sam. “I am expecting much from you tomorrow, Samanthatha! Your drama skills I have been told… Oh, such talent…”

Sam grimaced into the floor.

“He’s a natural.” Gabriel claimed.

“I hate you.” Sam whispered, remembering how his acting had gone in the past.

“I expect such beauteous grace… good luck my dear students! Also I would suggest heading off soon, curfew is nigh!” Michael then walked out the way he came, seemingly forgetting why he travelled this way.

_“GET OFF OF MY ASS.”_ Sam screeched. Holding up his hands in defense, the Trickster slowly lifted himself off Sam’s buttocks.

“Thank you!” Sam sighed, finally standing up and then almost falling down once he saw the drawing Gabriel held in his hands.

“What. The... _ever-living_... fuck. Is _that?”_

“It’s art!” Gabriel insisted.

_"Art?!_ It's... Er... To be frank, I'm not sure what _that_ is."

"Then I shall label it, _art!"_ Gabriel hugged his creation close to his chest. "I will treasure it forever..."

“You will not!” Sam tried to snatch the piece away from him, but Gabe stuck his tongue out at the hunter and then tapped him lightly on the shoulder, transporting him to his dorm,

"Gabriel..." Sam laid on the bed frustratingly. _Damn Tricksters._ Sam found himself wondering whether he'd ever get out of this dream, he missed them all. Especially Lucifer, Dean, Cas… He lay there for a while and then fell asleep, thinking of nothing but family.

**~~~~ The Performance ~~~~**

"Places, everyone!" Sam stood in a smart suit, barely accommodating for his cleavage. Around him various actors prepared themselves for the show, going over lines and costume.

"Romeo!" Gabriel ran over and smiled, the Trickster dressed in an old fashioned shirt, tan in colour. "No Juliet?"

As if summoned, Lucifer burst in, wearing an odd dress that hung off of his shoulders and revealed his chest. “Did somewon wan’afight me? I can fight, I’m a fightrrr. I’ll fuck ye uuup.” He slurred, and promptly fell over his dressm mumbling to the floor, “I’mma fighter not a loverr don’t you try none of yer games with me, I won’t fall for them - I’ma classy lady, mmmm.”

“He’s drunk.” Sam stated.

“Tragedy befalls the stage!” Michael cried. “My Juliet, what ever shall we do?”

Gabriel raised his eyebrows. “I happen to know the play off by heart.”

"Strip the heathen of his dress! Our new Juliet has taken stage!" At Michael’s command, Lucifer's dress was unzipped and lifted off by some helpers. Gabriel put the dress on - though a bit big, the dress somehow fit. The now half-clad devil was quickly dragged off, still murmuring "I'll fight ya.. I’ll wrestle yer gran outside of… sainsburys, like fuuuck Jamie Oliver the guy cann’t even cook cause Gordon Ramsay’s whereee itt’s at. Hell’s Kitcheen ahahaaaAa.."

After some makeup, hair adjustments and dress stitches. Gabriel was ready to play Juliet.

"How do I look?" Gabriel asked as he fanned out the white dress.

"Great!" Sam smiled and looked at his script briefly "I've got butterflies..."

"Actors! Center Stage! Take your places!" An announcer's voice rang out.

"Good luck, moose!" Gabriel smiled.

“Lady-type people and germs, we prrrroudly present to you our academy's performance of Romayo and June.” The clatter of shoes grew distant as Michael walked off the stage, Sam sat center stage, ignoring the obvious gaze of Gabriel on his left.

“Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Verona (where we lay our scene), from ancient grudge break to new mutiny, where civil blood makes civil hands unclean. A pair of star cross’d lovers take their life; whose misadventur’d piteous overthrows doth with their death bury their parents’ strife. The fearful passage of their death-mark’d love, and the continuance of their parents’ rage, which but their children’s end nought could remove, is now the two hours’ traffic of our stage; the which if you with patient ears attend, what here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.” Raphael narrated.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

“What lady’s... that which doth enrich, the hand... of yonder knight?” Sam smiled weakly, gesturing out to the audience as Gabriel pranced on stage with his hand gripped tight around Kevin, the reluctant Paris of the performance.

“I know not, Sir.” A female student spoke, obviously more into the performance than Sam was wishing to be.

Gabriel spun fabulously across the stage, dragging an unwilling Kevin along with him.

“O she doth teach... the torches, to burn bright! It seems she hangs... upon the cheek night, as a rich jewel in an E-Ethiop’s ear - beauty too rich for use, for earth too dear: So shows a snowy dove... trooping with crows, as yonder lady, o’er her fellow shows. The measure done, I’ll watch her place of... stand, and touching hers, make blessed my, rude hand. Did my heart... love till now? Forswear it, sight! For I ne’er saw true beauty till this night.”

Gabriel winked at Sam as he fluttered his false eyelashes.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

“The brightness... of her cheek would shame those stars, As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven, Would through the airy region stream so bright That birds would sing... and think it were not night. See, how she... leans, her cheek upon her hand! O, that I were a glove, upon that hand, That I might... touch that cheek!” Sam said to himself.

“Ay me!” Gabriel swooned, a hand to his forehead, his head tilted back. Sam noticed that his eyes were really… beautiful when sparkling with mirth,

“O, speak again, bright angel! For you are as glorious as the night. As is a winged messenger of heaven, you choose to gaze upon me, pardoning all others that lay beside us.” Sam realised he had misquoted the script, yet waited for his next queue.

“O Sam, Sam! Wherefore art thou Sam? Deny thy Father and refuse thy name . If not I will abandon my wings and title, And I’ll no longer be an angel.”

Sam choked up slightly at his words, _why are you changing the script?_ “Shall I hear more, or...?”

Sam gulped.

“It’s only your name that is my enemy; you’re yourself, though not a Winchester. What’s Winchester _(other than pigheaded self-sacrifice)?_ It is neither hand, nor foot, nor arm, nor face, nor _any other part belonging to a man_. Oh, be some other name! What’s in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet; So Sam would, were he not Sam call’d, retain that dear yet beautiful perfection that I love. Sam, remove your name as you are already a true angel.” Gabriel smiled softly at Sam as the Winchester showed himself to him on stage,Sam continued to act, growing anxious at his words.

_Gabriel… do you mean this?_

“I take you at your word: Call me but love, and I’ll be born once again - beside you; Henceforth I will never be Sam.”

“You can’t mean that, you care about Luci too much,” Gabriel murmured, misery flashed across his eyes as he spoke. “You couldn’t do that for me, it’s not fair on you.”

Sam stared, slack jawed as he heard a distant whisper from Michael, _“What has happened to my beauteous script…? This… **sacrilege...** ”_

Gabriel went back into faux-jovial acting mode. “What beauty art thou that thus concealed in night so stumblest on my _abode?”_

“B-B-By a name I don’t know how to tell you who I am: My name, dear angel, is hateful to myself, Because it shares your brother’s name; Had I a choice, I would change at once.” Sam decided he would go along with the honest tone of the impromptu script change as he slowly got closer to where Gabriel was standing.

“No, thou could not, forsaking such a developed bond for the likes of I, unworthy.”

Sam’s eyes widened and he began ascending the balcony, desperate to make Gabriel understand, “I’ve known you for what seems like decades, every time I close my eyes, you’re there… Ju-Gabriel, I…”

“I could not ask such things from you, thou hast already declared enough. We could not betray thine bond that has developed so greatly.” Within reaching distance, Gabriel took a step back, crossing one arm across his stomach.

“Gabe,” Sam pleaded softly. “I know things haven’t always worked out for us… I _have_ stabbed you on at least _two_ separate occasions, things have been really… rushed lately, I feel like I haven’t been able to think straight…”

“Literally.” He heard Kevin mutter.

“I just… please? You’re worth so much, you’re so… special to me… even if you did kill Dean multiple times… that’s in the past. I just, want… need to love you. You deserve to be loved.”

Sam placed a soft hand upon Gabriel’s cheek, reassuring the angel of his statement. Gabriel opened his mouth as if to talk, only to be interrupted by the touch of tender skin upon his lips. Wrapping an arm around Sam’s neck, Gabriel closed his eyes and felt all resistance go, allowing Sam to place an arm upon his waist. The two were there for what seemed an eternity, forgetting the play, the squealing of two fangirls backstage, the murmuring of Michael whom weirdly seemed to enjoy this take of Romeo and Juliet.

“I love you, Gabriel.” Sam lifted his head from the Trickster, gently grinning to try and hide the evident blush.

“I love you too.”

_“We're all in this together,_   
_And it shows,_   
_When we stand,_   
_Hand in hand,_   
_Make our dreams come true.”_

Sam’s eyes snapped open as the alarm went off, and he rolled over, coming face-to-face with Lucifer.

“Good morning, Sam.” He murmured.


	6. Man Muscle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to normal, Sam wakes up next to Lucifer after his moment with Gabriel and struggles to deal with the flirty angel under Lucifer’s watchful eye. Kevin wakes up convinced that he was pranked or involved in the apocalypse, Dean confronts his sexuality and two new red-heads decide to visit the one bedroom house.

Kevin was not having a good day.

So first, he opened his eyes and where is he? _On the freaking floor! In a freaking forest!_ He distinctly remembered falling asleep behind the stage, passing out at the very sudden Sabriel… or had he gotten into a fight?  
  
He _had._ He had gotten into a fight.  
  
_“They’re so cute.” He told the half-conscious Lucifer._

_“Sffuuuckyew. KeVIN you succk. Sammm’s my loove.” He slapped Kevin on the head. Kevin had passed out._

Okay, so it wasn’t really a fight. Kevin was a delicate guy.

He got up, groaning. _Why the frick is the floor so hard? I thought the Earth was supposed to be a caring mother._

Searching for some kind of indication of his whereabouts, Kevin began to walk in the least scary looking direction as he came up with more possible causes.

_Pranked... Yes. Soon many theories popped into his head; Charlie was pranking, he got knocked out and dragged... or the apocalypse had happened and over night a forest grew leaving only him as a survivor... Had the triffids finally attacked?_

Kevin scrapped the last two.

A little spark of joy emerged within him as the sight of a road came into view.

_Civilization!_

He rushed towards the road, full of hope. Once he was on the side of the road, he looked either way and saw a sleek, black car approaching. He squealed a bit and tried to wave it down.

The car came to a stop and he admired it, giving a thumbs up in the general direction of the driver as he eyed the subtle curves of the bonnet, the beauty of the finely kept combination of black and chrome.

“Kevin?” A familiar voice enquired, shocked.

Kevin looked up and blinked. “... Dean?”

Kevin stared at Dean, appearance completely contrasting to how he knew him. Kevin peered at him, astounded at the fact his eyesight was corrected and noted he no longer was wearing sweaters. In fact, he was kinda rocking the bad boy in plaid and tight jeans look... Kevin was kinda liking it. _Very_ kinda liking it.

"Hey, Kev, what you doing out here?" Dean smiled at the confused prophet.

"I can't remember... er... how far away are we from Saint Colts’?" Kevin smiled nervously, puzzled at the 'new' Dean and his surroundings. He glanced over Dean’s form again, somewhat nervously, somewhat interested.

"Saint what?" Dean chuckled "You sure you're okay, Kevin? You seem kind of dazed."

“Saint… Colts’?” Kevin looked like a deer caught in headlights. Dean smiled at him reassuringly. “Our… high school?”

Dean raised an eyebrow. “High school.”

Kevin nodded. “Yeah, and we’re supposed to be in class… although after Lucifer punched me things got kinda foggy-”

“Wait, Lucifer… punched you?” Dean’s eyebrow raised higher. Cas would be proud of the altitudes it achieved.

“Mhm!” Kevin confirmed.

“... Get in the car, we’ll work this out later.” Dean decided.

Kevin’s eyes went wide. “Could… I drive?”

Dean looked horrified. “Not my Baby.”

Kevin looked like he was going to cry. Dean felt his heart break a little at the sight of the sad little Prophet and he caved in, “... Alright.” He grumbled.

After all, it couldn’t go too badly - Kevin was a sensible kid.  


Dean had predicted wrong.

After about five minutes of driving down a smooth country road, Dean began to settle into his seat and closed his eyes, now happily less anxious.

A loud screeching sound burst through his eardrums as he turned to see Kevin panicking. The Impala swerved across the road, coming to an abrupt halt as the engine stalled a few seconds later.

"Jesus, Kevin! What the hell was that!" Kevin whimpered slightly at Dean's intimidating form.

"There was a bunny..." Kevin smiled nervously.

"This is why I drive, move." After some awkward shuffling, Dean leant back into the beloved seat and sighed. He was never letting anyone drive his baby again.

Kevin looked sulky. Dean ignored him and turned the music on.

As soon as the first line played, Dean groaned.

_Primadonna girl, yeah._

“Fuck you, Sam.” Dean muttered, burying his face in the steering wheel.

"Ooh!” Kevin squeaked and began singing in a very high pitched voice. _“All I ever wanted was the world! I can’t help that I need it all! The primadonna life, the rise and fall!”_

_Why me?_ Dean despaired.

_“You say that I’m kinda difficult, but it’s always someone else’s fault! Got you wrapped around my finger babe, you can count on me to misbehave!”_

Kevin’s voice lowered and took on a sultry, vaguely seductive tone. _“Would you do anything for me? Buy a big diamond ring for me? Get down on your knees for me?”_

Dean straightened and gave Kevin a worried look and then started Baby and _noped_ them out of there.

The drive to the house after that was fairly quiet, it was spent with Kevin staring out the window wondering about the past twenty-four hours. They pulled up outside a relatively small, quaint house.

“Where are we?”

“This is where we live.”

"We…? How many of you live there?" Kevin enquired.

"Four of us, but four to six others pop in and out as they please." Dean got out the Impala, grabbing some shopping from the backseat.

"Come on, Kevin, I'm pretty sure you haven't met Lucifer and his brothers, right?"

"Er... right." Kevin sighed, deciding to go along with whatever was going on. Though he was pretty sure he had amnesia, or had been drugged. Or both.

          

~*~

  
“Good morning, Sam.” He murmured. Lucifer laid on his side, smiling softly at Sam whom of which was dreary eyed and messy haired.

“Lucifer?” He asked groggily.

“Are you okay? You seem a bit… out of it.” Lucifer brushed away various strands of hair from Sam’s face, a face of worry overcoming the Archangel.

Sam sat himself up slowly, body aching as he stretched. “I’m great.”

Lucifer considered his statement for a second, before coming to the conclusion that Sam would reveal what was on his mind eventually, and dropped the subject.

“Well, I was going to get you breakfast. What would y-” Sam interrupted Lucifer.

“I’m fine, er… thanks.” Sam said quickly before clearing his throat only to receive another concerned glance from the angel. “Just, real exhausted from last night.”

Lucifer chuckled slightly “Was I really that good? I’m flattered.”

“You’re everything I expected, but better.” With the positive comment, Lucifer, with the widest grin went downstairs to join the few others who were awake, strutting like a proud peacock.

Sam sighed, “Damn it, Gabe!”

"Somebody call me?" The youngest Archangel appeared at the foot of the bed.

"What the hell happened, Gabe?!” Sam stood over Gabriel, happy for once that his height gave him some advantage.

Gabriel was instantly defensive. “You were the one intruding on my dream, what were you expecting?”

Sam shrugged, feeling awkward.

“I thought I’d made it pretty clear that I ador- think you’re… really great.” Gabriel finished sort of lamely.

Sam was finding it difficult to hold a grudge. He crossed his arms and gave the small archangel a frown.

Gabriel sighed. "I'm sorry, Sam, I messed with your bond... I knew it was wrong. I didn’t mean to, it just happened."

Sam quickly embraced Gabriel, pulling him close. "Don't blame yourself... We just need to figure out where to go from here."

"Y-yeah that sounds like a plan..." The two sat on the bed, hand in hand as they contemplated their next plan of action.

"I think we need to get one question out in the air first though, Sam." Gabriel frowned, holding back his frustration.

"What, Gabe?"

"Do you want us to continue... or are you going to continue your already formed _bond?_ Like, it’s amoral and stuff, yeah..." The Archangel bowed his head, obvious to Sam that he'd been avoiding asking the question.

Sam stared at Gabriel sadly. “I can’t cheat on Lu, and you know how he reacted when you suggested polyamory.”

Gabriel pulled back, an understanding look on his face. “I accept and respect your decision. However, that does not mean I will abstain from harmless flirting and listening to Taylor Swift. See ya later, sexy.”

Gabriel left with a flutter of wings, a wink and a painful smile.

Sam put his face into his palms, regretting his words and wishing he could love them both. Sam would never forget Gabriel's smile, let alone their kiss.

"Hey, Sam." Lucifer peered his head around the door.

Startled, Sam quickly turned to Lucifer. "Y-Yes?"

"Er... Kevin is downstairs and he is very confused." Though concerned, Lucifer assumed Sam was just having one of his bad days and he would brush it off eventually.

Curious, Sam made his way downstairs to see the baffled Prophet.

“Sam!” He shouted, throwing himself at Sam in a hug. “Your boobs are gone but I don’t care!”

Sam instantly panicked. Shit… is this the Kevin from the dream?

"Er, hello Kevin!" Sam awkwardly embraced the baby prophet and patted his hair as he seemed extremely attached to Sam's chest.

"What's wrong with him, does he need a hot beverage? Ménage a trois?" Cas, clueless, smiled dumbfounded.

Everyone stared to look at the alienated angel.

"Does he need more? I'm sure we have enough for a ménage a... What's French for _homoerotic twelve?"_ Cas continued to grin like proud idiot.

"Have you been watching French porn again?" Dean questioned.

Cas shrugged. "They have interesting positions and you certainly weren't complaining last night, Dean."

"I have no idea what you're talking about but you're gonna be quiet now." Dean tried to deflect the comment that threatened his heterosexuality.

"But Dean, don't you remember? We had an argument and everything... You wanted to watch softcore whilst I much rather prefer the dominant, humiliation and overall sexual endurance side of the Internet. You know, like orgasm denial, bloodplay and knife-"

Remembering the duct tape from under the sofa, Dean reached down and whipped it out quickly, taping a black stripe to Cas' mouth.

"There are some things... guys just don't talk about together, Cas."

"Like rimming and _the gentle fondling of the nipples?"_ Gabriel popped up and chimed in.

"Precisely." Dean nodded.

"Uh, can we not talk about _the fondling of the nipples_ while Kevin has his head cradled in my chest?" Sam wondered.

"I would happily fondle your nipples but I respect you as a person and your right of consent. I shall not fondle them unless you explicitly say it is fine for me to do so." Kevin stated.

"I... Thanks, Kevin," Sam once more awkwardly patted the little prophet. "Erm, Kevin..."

"Yes?" By this time, probably unintentionally, Kevin had wrapped both of his legs around Sam's waist and was simply being held up by sheer willpower. Sam imagined that they probably looked like a tree and a koala.

"Could you please detach yourself from my body?" Sam asked, politely.

The noise Kevin made afterwards was a mix of 'No' and the quiet whine you'd expect to hear from a temper tantrum of a spoilt five year old.

"Come on now, Kevin." Lucifer grasped Kevin's hips firmly and tried to pull Koala-Kevin off of his lover. Kevin refused to budge.

"He won't move."

"A-Class observation there, Lucie." Gabe chuckled.

Dean rolled his eyes. "You lot don't know how to deal with kids do you?"

"I was trapped in the cage for a millennia. How am I supposed to know how to deal with _children?"_ Lucifer raised an eyebrow.

Dean ignored him and walked over to Kevin and Sam. He gently tapped on Kevin's shoulder and said softly, "Hey kiddo, want some ice cream?"

Kevin's eyes lit up, he squealed and he threw himself at Dean, who caught him bridal style and grunted at the sudden weight of the prophet.

“What flavor?” Dean queried.

“Man muscle.” Kevin replied, not looking at Dean but staring deeply into Sam's eyes.

"It would be a logical deduction for me to state that this child needs to partake in coitus, post haste!" Michael popped his head round the door, nostalgic coffee mug - of the cat kind - in hand.

"Hey Kevin, ever heard of polyamory?" Gabe grinned a sassy smile.

"Poly-what?" Kevin raised an eyebrow, mountain high, finally looking away from Sam.

"Basically ménage a trois. You know, the _fucking of the masses."_ Cas had since firmly ripped off his duct tape.

“Actually, if you want to be technical, it’s just multiple people in love, consensually.” Charlie suddenly appeared.

Dean jumped at her random appearance. “What the hell are you doing there, Charlie? Not that it’s not good to see you.”

“Your friend Chuck told me there was a wedding, bitches! Like I’d miss it!” She grinned.

“Charlie! What happened at the play?” Kevin wondered.

“Hey, Kevin!” She greeted, completely ignoring his question. “What about that man muscle… with a Disney marathon?”

“Ooh!” Kevin squealed.

~*~

 

Within in the hour, after accumulating all of the pillows and blankets, chocolate and tissues, everyone settled down for a nostalgic marathon of childhood Disney.

The first choice was _Frozen,_ with Dean quietly fangirling next to a confused Cas.

"Why can she manipulate ice? Surely she would get frostbite... hypothermia. Why did her parents lock her up, when the small rock-man made it so clear that fear would be her downfall…?"

Sam was awkwardly positioned between Gabriel and Lucifer on the sofa with Kevin and Charlie in front of his knees.

“Don’t question the Disney Flow, let yourself be immersed.” Charlie informed Cas.

“Some would say, you should just _Let it Go.”_ Gabriel murmured.

“That pun was bad and you should feel bad.” Sam rolled his eyes.

“You love it.” Gabriel stuck his tongue out.

“Stop flirting over the film!” Dean snapped. “The best bit is coming up!”

“Gay.” Gabe stage-whispered.

The piano intro to _Let it Go_ flared up.

Dean turned to death glare at the short archangel and began… to sing…?

_“Homophobes glow white on the mountain tonight,_  
No rainbow to be seen,  
A kingdom of isolation,  
And it looks like I'm the queen."

" Why are the homophobes glowing?" Raphael wondered. "Is there something wrong with them?"

"There's a lot of hate wrong with them, but maybe the line is metaphorical or symbolic." Charlie whispered, eyes strapped to Dean. 

_"The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside,_   
_Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I tried!_   
_Don't let them in, don't let them see,_   
_Be the straight guy you always have to be,_   
_Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know..._   
_Well, now they know!_

_I am Bi, I am Bi!_   
_Can’t hold it back anymore!_   
_I am Bi, I am Bi!_   
_Run out the closet door!_

_I don't care,_   
_What they're going to say,_   
_Let my Bi rage on,_   
_Pink is my color, it’s here to stay!”_

Dean’s impromptu song was cut off when a tearful Cas pounced on him in a fierce hug.

“Do you have any idea how proud I am of you?” Cas growled into Dean’s hair.

“Thanks, Cas.” Dean muttered shyly.

Sam stood up and started applauding slowly, Charlie joined him with faster claps and Kevin cheered vehemently.

Gabriel locked eyesight with Lucifer before reaching his hand up to cup Sam's ass, going on to giving it a firm squeeze. Sam felt his hand dig into his butt and squealed slightly, sitting down quickly trapping Gabriel's hand, unknown to Lucifer.

"Gabe!" Sam protested.

"I am an opportunist of the highest standard!" Gabe grinned, still keeping his gaze on his brother.

"Hmph." Lucifer harrumphed. Sam felt the awkward tension shooting back forth between him though soon lost notice of it as, once more, he was startled by Gabe squeezing his ass.

“This is not the appropriate way to respond to my brother’s coming out song.” Sam stated.

“I’m showing _support!”_ Gabriel insisted. “I’m _supporting_ your ass! Also, I am showing him that it is okay for him to love other parts of other men… even if we all knew he did anyway.”

“You don’t know anything about anyone’s sexuality until they tell you, anything before then is just assumptions.” Sam tried to forget Gabe’s hand on his ass by throwing logic at the archangel.

"Alright, know-it-all, chill your deliciously delectable derriere.” Followed by another firm squeeze.

Sam was unsure whether he should allow Gabriel to continue these actions as they certainly weren't helping the situation. He let him keep his hand there as they gradually moved onto the next film.

“Could you remove your hand…?” Sam whispered to Gabriel.

“I told you the harmless flirtation would remain.” Gabriel pointed out.

“This isn’t exactly harmless, Gabriel.” Sam pointed out.  


Gabriel gave Sam a slightly mocking look and then made an exaggerated sad-face and then sung softly, 

" _If you could see_  
 _That I'm the one_  
 _Who understands you,_  
 _Been here all along._  
 _So, why can't you see—_  
 _You belong with me?”_  
  
He then disappeared.

Lucifer rolled his eyes and put his arm around Sam’s shoulders before murmuring gently, “Finally.”

Sam laid against Lucifer quietly, taking in the delicate icy touch of his hand around him. The welcoming smell on his jacket and how easily he fit when cuddling him as if they were cogs.

Then he'd remember the warm, golden eyes of the Trickster. His humorous way of putting across his love and interest to him. Sam knew how much pain this caused him, and how much pain it would cause Lucifer.

"You've been off today, bad dream or something?" Lucifer whispered into his hair and his fingers gently twisted the ends.

"I guess you could say that..."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Raphael, who had been silent up until this point, spoke in a strangely enthusiastic tone. "Why are you two bickering when you could be watching this masterpiece?"

_"Be... our... guest!"_ Michael began singing.

"If you start singing, Michael, you're... _grounded."_ Lucifer threatened.

Michael's eyes widened. "You can't do that, brother!"

"Of course I can! Now just watch the film." Lucifer snapped at Michael.

In the background various murmuring could be heard from Castiel and Dean.

"That clock is moving, Dean... why is it moving? That candle is going to cause a fire. How are the plates rolling like that? It goes against basic-" Cas complained before getting interrupted.

"Shut up! It's magic, okay!" Dean grumbled, frustrated at his lover. "There are many things I don't get about you but I'm not stating them in order."

"You think there are things wrong with me?" Cas' eyes welled up slightly at the thought that there were things about him that Dean didn't like.

"No, Cas. You're unique, sure, but there's... nothing wrong with that." Dean reassured him.

"But you said-"

"I said I don't get you sometimes, doesn't mean I don't like you. Plus a little mystery keeps the intrigue with the person you love."

Cas eyed Dean and gave him a soft smile. Charlie and Kevin looked at each over, squealed, and looked back to the couple.

"What?" Dean wondered.

"You've never said it out loud before, that you... _love_ me."

"Oh." Dean muttered, looking away and trying to hide his fierce blush.

An awkward silence broke between the angelic couple as Charlie and Kevin enveloped each other in their arms, noiselessly squealing whilst the Archangels gave them confused looks.

“I don’t understand what the fuss is about.” Raphael stated, crossing his arms and leaning against the door frame.

“Love shalt find you someday, brother!” Michael chirped.

“And Father _forbid_ if it does.” Raphael sighed unwillingly then turned back to Dean and Cas.

The two, still shell shocked from the earlier confession were now huddled up into the sofa in each other’s arms, staring at the tv happily whilst the murmur of disney films went on in the background.

After various arguments, throwing of popcorn and pillow fights, they decided on ‘The Lion King’ as their final film of the marathon. A stroppy Crowley appeared at the sound of ‘The Circle of Life’ whilst Charlie and Kevin sung at the top of their lungs.

“I _can’t_ believe you didn’t invite me to _Disney night,”_ He grumbled. “Just because I’m the King of Hell, it doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy a good musical.”

“I’m pretty sure no one told you because no one likes you, Crowley.” Sam affirmed.

“I’m offended and hurt.” Crowley put a hand over his chest, like he was truly wounded by the sassy words.

“I can’t hear the Lion King over you two, so you better shut up!” Dean groused.

“Sorry, _Mum.”_ Crowley rolled his eyes before summoning a chair with a click of his fingers and setting himself down.

“Oh, Fergus!” In a dazzling cloud of red sparkles, a short red haired lady wearing fabulous, long black robes appeared in front of Crowley.

“Mother?” Crowley’s face wrinkled up in disgust as the Rowena stood proudly in front of him.

“And that’s how you greet your own mother? I’m insulted!”

Dean and Cas hadn’t looked away from the TV, fully immersed in the presence of the other and the all-time Disney classic. Sam quirked a brow at the demon and his… mother?

“This was a… sudden development and I’m kind of baffled.” Sam declared.

Lucifer chuckled slightly. “Where do you think Gabriel got his playful streak from?”

“... _Chuck?_ Seriously? Crowley’s mother?”

_“Crowley’s mother_ has a name, dearie!” She turned to Sam and smiled. Sam was mildly terrified.

“Uh, what’s your name?” He managed.

“I’m Rowena, pet. You are?”

“Sam.” Gulping back slightly, Sam relaxed a little.

“There’s no helping you now, Moose. She knows your name.” Crowley rubbed a hand across his forehead as Sam went back to his anxious state. “What are you doing here, Mother?”

“You _summoned_ me, Fergus.” A smiling forming across Rowena’s lips.

“It’s Crowley.” Crowley sat up straighter, ignoring the amused looked from around the room at the mention of his name. “And I didn’t summon you, now scuttle off back to the dark little hole you crawled out of.”

“Charming son, isn’t he? After all these years you still reject me!” Rowena raised her hand as if she were a damsel in distress. “I was never loved, you see!”

_“You_ were never loved? You tried to trade me for a pig and then abandoned me! _I_ didn’t know the _definition_ of love!”

“I’ll have you know that pigs were worth a lot back then, and being a single mother was difficult, you can’t blame me - I did the best I could with the circumstances!”

“Um,” Charlie cut in. “Hate to break up the family reunion, but Kevin’s just fainted.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! We haven’t updated in a while (and we apologise) because we have been working on ideas for other, slightly more serious stories… however, between this and our personal lives, it has lead to us forgetting to update this (because we get productive on other things and then forget we haven’t done anything on this, actually published story).  
> Basically, we’ve made a blog on tumblr where you can ask us stuff and we can inform you of any reasons we may have not updated. We can post our story ideas and you can tell us if you’d be interested or maybe even send us prompts. Toodles x
> 
> http://starky-pinkcess.tumblr.com/


	7. How I Met Your Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam's day dawns unexpectedly and he discovers that everyone has planned his wedding. With his feelings for Gabriel still present and his impending marriage to Lucifer, what can Sam do?

_“Oh, Fergus!”_

Sam awakened to the high pitched wail of a Scottish woman, rolling over and wiping off the collected pool of dribble from the late night to check his alarm. Lucifer’s arms unwrapped around him as he sat up quickly in reaction to the shriek of the red head. The pixelated red numbers inside the little black box formed his dreaded answer.

**_6AM._ **

“Why?” Sam whined. He was normally a morning person, but only when he was waking up of his own volition.

“I believe she’s calling her son.”

“Well, yeah.” Sam muttered, irked by the interruption of his beauty sleep. He doubted he’d be able to get back to sleep.

Sam rose from the crimson sheets and stretched out, clicking his shoulders forward and searching through the white chest of drawers that people had designated sections to. Pulling out a blue flannel shirt and putting it on quickly followed by dark jeans, he joined Lucifer back on the bed.

A sigh of annoyance came from the Archangel.  "And I was enjoying that sight." Encasing his arms back around him, Sam rested his head upon Lucifer's chest allowing himself to settle.

_“Oh for God’s sake!”_

Sam raised an eyebrow at the shout from Crowley. It was obviously a response to his mother but Sam wondered what was going on.

 _“Did somebody call…?”_ He heard Chuck reply. 

Crowley screeched. _“No one called! All hail the almighty-smiter!”_  

 _“But, Fergus! I made you pasta!”_ Rowena shouted.

 _“Vicious bitch probably poisoned it!”_ Crowley yelled.

_“Fergus! That’s no way to talk about your mother!”_

_“I enjoy pasta dishes.”_ Chuck stated. 

Dean must have been woken up by the ruckus as Sam heard his angry exclamation of: _“You’re telling me that I get woken up at 6AM because of MOM’S SPAGHETTI?”_

“Why do we still live with these people?” Lucifer questioned.

“I genuinely don’t know sometimes.” Sam grumbled.

"Maybe when we get married we could move out?" Lucifer chimed, happy by the thought.

"Nah." Sam cringed as he heard the smashing of china and the squelch of pasta hitting the floor. "They wouldn't survive without us. What kind of pasta _squelches?”_

 _"Insolent cow! You splattered tomato sauce over_ my table! _How dare you?!"_ Crowley raised his voice before Rowena interrupted.

_"Continue this, Fergus, and I'll show everyone your baby photos! You were my little Bunting."_

_“Cameras didn’t even exist!”_

_“I’m a powerful witch, I don’t have those sorts of limitations! And you were such a pudgy little mite.”_

"I agree with you there." Lucifer relaxed against the headboard.

Just then the door opened and a pissed-looking Dean stomped in before trying to drag Sam out of bed, murmuring, “Plan. Get out of bed now, s’marriage.”

“Try again in actual English, maybe?” Sam rolled his eyes.

“No need to sass me before I’ve had coffee, douche. Chuck wants to plan your wedding. Hence why Rowena was… Pasta.”

“Rowena was pasta? How much sleep did you get exactly?” Sam wondered.

Dean coloured. “Dude, I confessed my love to a _very_ passionate guy. What did you think I was gonna spend the night doing?”

Sam screwed his nose up. “Dean, there’s only one bedroom in this house and that was way too much oversharing.”

Dean winked.

“God, you’re so gross.” Sam complained.

Chuck popped his head around the door, “What did I do?”

Sam blinked at him. “Should I not say that kind of stuff? Like… the G word?”

Chuck shrugged and ducked out of the room.

"Out, now. Downstairs... Im'a do coffee." A sleep deprived Dean stumbled out of the room as Lucifer stood up. Exhibiting red hearts on white underwear, Sam raised an eyebrow

"Very exotic." A grin widened as the Devil looked down and grumbled.

 _"Gabriel._ I can assure you these are not mine." Lucifer sighed, poofing on his usual jacket attire, he pulled Sam out of bed.

“I’m not complaining. They give you a very unique look.” Sam said with a straight face.

Lucifer shot him a mock frown and an eyeroll. “This is coming from _Miss Sugar Pink?”_

Sam blushed, “Shut up.”

"I'm never letting you forget that. Though I wouldn't mind an encore." Lucifer grinned at Sam as he face-palmed, embarrassed.

"Only under intoxication." Sam spoke bluntly.

"Oh that can be arranged." Lucifer lifted Sam up off the bed and gave him a light kiss to the forehead. "I need to go sort some wedding things out. You should too." After a soft smile and another embrace, Lucifer left like a man on a mission.

Sam got dressed and then quickly left the bedroom, going downstairs to see Dean slumped over the counter sleepily pouring a coffee and Rowena chatting away. His mood mirrored also by Charlie whose head laid against the table with arms encased around her hair.

Rowena, frustrated with the fact the fellow red head was ignorant of the conversation sighed annoyingly.  

"What about you pet, red or purple?" The witch held up a fashion magazine as Sam stared unknowingly.

“Excuse me?"

“What color should my dress be, for your wedding?” She asked.

“Uh, red?” Sam blinked tiredly and Dean offered him a coffee. “Thanks.”

“Excellent!” She cried.

“How are you so awake right now?” Charlie groaned.

“Chuck’s method of transportation has left me strangely chipper, couldn't get a wink of sleep and I feel fantastic!” Rowena informed them, a smile on her face.

"Ugh..." Charlie groaned, slumping against the wall.

"Oh come on now dear, I wanted to go shopping later. If you ask me, it's a wee bit of a sausage fest in this house." Rowena smiled and poked Charlie causing more noises of disapproval from the hacker.

After pouring himself a coffee, Sam leaned against the counter. "Dean."

Dean looked up from his sleep deprived position. "Wha? What, Sammy?"

"I need a, erm. Best man. For the wedding obviously. Wou-" Dean interrupted Sam with a nod and a hug.

"Yes... Always would..." Dean managed a sleepy smile before resuming the position.

"Hm, I should get Fergus an outfit. It's been centuries since I dressed him up!" Rowena smiled, flicking through the magazine.

"What about tartan? It would make sense." Sam added.

Rowena's eyes widened with possibilities. "Pink. Tartan. Dress."

“I… what?” Sam questioned, eyes widening.

“Yes! I can imagine it now!” Rowena exclaimed. “Get breakfast, dearie and then you’ll have to help me find the perfect one! This is an excellent opportunity for some girly time!” She patted Charlie’s head and swiftly exited the room with a spring in her step.

“Alone time with Crowley’s mom, hm?” Dean said.

“Help me. She’s kind of a MILF.” Charlie mumbled into the wall.

Kevin shuffled in awkwardly, “What’s a MILF?”

“I, ah… an older woman of mystique whom is attractive and desirable.” Charlie tried.

“Dude, you did not just say that.” Dean gave Charlie a look, but she didn’t notice as her face was still against the wall.

“I’m tired, don’t hate.” Charlie stood. "As much as I despise her for waking me up, she is relentless. I must go prepare..." Charlie left, dragging her feet across the floor and up the stairs.

Kevin stood silently, shocked by his early morning sex education.

"Coffee?" Dean offered. Receiving a nod in reply he handed Kevin a mug as he sat.

Crowley came in soon after causing Kevin to erupt in laughter. Crowley's hair stuck out in random directions and the expression of frustration did not help.

"Coffee, Moose." Crowley sat, leaning against the wall.

"What's the magic word?" Dean joked before quickly shutting up as Crowley's face grew darker.

Sam handed him a coffee. "Why the frown?"

"I am glad you asked. I have just been informed that my WRETCHED MOTHER." Crowley emphasised/shouted on the last two words, making sure the household heard him as he was in full-tilt _diva_ mode.

"Is picking my outfit for the wedding. The last time she picked my outfit I was mocked."

"What was it?" Kevin asked innocently. The death-glare following his question caused the prophet to shuffle awkwardly once more. "Nevermind."

"You're a demon Crowley. Can't you just, you know..." Dean gestured with his hands in thin air. " 'Poof?' something else on?"

"The old hag is too persistent... and cunning. She'd work around it..." Crowley gulped on his coffee.

"So you're just going to let her pick something?" Dean frowned. "You're hardly going to look the king of hell in a pink tartan dress with a glass of whisky."

"Pink tartan _what?"_ Crowley choked on his coffee. "What is the skank planning?" Crowley proceeded to slam his coffee onto the table, leaving quickly in hope to catch the red head before she left.

“Technically, a wedding…” Dean muttered.

“Why is it even today?” Sam wondered. “Like, was it all the Disney? Today is a bit random for everyone to all be planning a wedding, right?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Dean shrugged.

“I hope Rowena isn’t choosing _my_ outfit.”

Dean snorted. “You’d look great in a tartan wedding dress.”

“Please, no.” Sam whined.

“Extra pink!”

“Get out of here, plus we know you’d wear pink better, Dean…”

“Shut it, Sammy!”

Sam proceeded to get on one knee holding his arms out dramatically.

"Pink is my color, it's here to stay!"

The act caused him to receive a firm whack across the head with Rowena's fashion magazine.

Kevin sighed. "I don't know what I'm wearing."

"I'm pretty sure I overheard Chuck saying that he wanted you as a bridesmaid."

Kevin's eyes lit up. "Do I get to wear a flower crown?"

The brothers looked at each other and shrugged. "Why not."

Kevin squealed loudly before running out the room shouting. "WAIT FOR ME, TEAM RED-HEAD!" The door slammed loudly.

“It’s, what, 6:40 in the morning and everything’s happening? To think I just wanted to watch films with Cas.”

Sam raised an eyebrow.

“This house has Netflix,” He said defensively. “Nothing wrong with a little film fest.”

“Dean, last time I caught you on Netflix, you were watching Gossip Girl.”

“It has an interesting plot!”

“Then it was Pretty Little Liars…”

“I like the actors!”

“Dude, The Vampire Diaries…”

Dean made an awkward hand gesture, trying to find a ways out of the situation he had gotten himself into. Eventually he just whispered. “Sometimes it’s hot.”

"You don't understand the amount of respect this makes me doubt for you."

"Talk for yourself, Miss Sugar Pink." The cheeky grin on Dean's face countered Sam's horrified one.

"How did you..."

Dean held up his cell and pressed play, Bubblegum Bitch erupted from the speakers as a video shot through a keyhole played.

"GABRIEL!" Sam was by now, bright red and flushed. Dean quickly ran out the room to find Cas, saying something about 'oncoming drama'.

"Y'ello?" Gabriel appeared in a flash of gold in front of the hunter, smile disappearing when he saw Sam's expression. Sam held up Dean's phone.

Gabriel shuffled. "I was jealous, kay? Thought I'd capture the memory! Remember? Opportunist of the highest standard!" His sentence ended in a nervous giggle.

“Great. I can’t even be bothered to be mad with you right now.” Sam placed his face into his palms.

"What's wrong? You've had the wind knocked out of you recently. But not in the literal way, no that's disgusting." Gabriel awkwardly patted Sam on the back.

“I’m getting married, Gabriel, If you hadn’t realized, I’m not going to be a single man any more and Lu isn’t okay with... _us,”_ Sam gestured between the two of them with one hand. “Look, could you maybe stop flirting so much? I know it’s what you do, but it’s just making it harder for the both of us.”

"Then Lucifer needs to grow some bigger balls and deal with my flamboyant and flirtatious personality!" Gabriel smiled, the grin quickly turning into a frown.

Clearly, Gabriel wasn’t getting the point. Sam steeled himself.

"Okay, then. I don't want you to flirt with me so much. I find it difficult to push aside these feelings so I need you to stop _for me."_ Sam recoiled back a little when he saw Gabriel's expression change.

“Push aside?” Gabe asked, his eyebrows raising.

“Yeah, _push aside.”_ Sam reaffirmed.

“You’re breaking up with me.”

“We’re technically not together.”

“If we were together, you’d be breaking up with me.”

“If we were together, I wouldn’t be with Lucifer.” Sam argued.

“Wouldn’t you?” Gabriel questioned. “Really?"

“...I literally have no idea, but…” Sam inhaled. “Yeah, I’m breaking up with you.”

Gabriel grew silent after that comment and placed his hands upon Sam's shoulders.

"Won't you miss this?"

"Yes. Just not the part where you like to grab my ass, it's extremely uncomfortable."

Gabriel grinned a little. "It's so firm though."

Sam's gaze grew serious.

"Er, apologies. But if you'll miss it, why lose it?"

"Cause I'm getting married, Gabriel. Married to the love of my life, my significant other. We were made for each other. Literally." Sam sighed as Gabriel got slightly closer to the hunter.

“Don’t you think it’s possible to be in love with more than one person?” Gabriel inquired softly. “Humans evolved to be in groups and angels always have been. Why have one soulmate when you could have two or three? It doesn’t cheapen the bond because you share it with more people, you unify and in the end, it’s love, right? No?”

Sam was left speechless and Gabriel disappeared.

Sam sat on the chair, quiet and staring blankly at the tiled kitchen floor. He could hear a happy tune approach the kitchen. About a minute later, Lucifer appeared in the doorway, wide eyed, awake and happy.

"Hey, Darling." Lucifer smiled towards the solemn Winchester. "Why the long face?”

Sam stared, unamused and proceeded to walk over to him, hugging him tight. Lucifer stayed there for a few minutes with him, silent, holding him tight.

After the long silence, Sam apologised before walking off upstairs, Lucifer assumed he'd just had a bad patch and wanted to be alone.

 _So, my life is a bad rom-com,_ Sam thought. _I’m getting married to the love of my life but I’m also in love with his brother and his estranged father is planning the event and brought along Death and the guy who I tried to kill and his mother. Why does this kind of thing always happen to me? God, Dean’d laugh his ass off._

Chuck popped up, “Yes?”

Sam jumped and had to stop himself from falling over. “Oh my God!”

“... Precisely.”

Sam stared at him and Chuck shrugged before uttering, “It’s been a long couple of millennia, aren’t I allowed to make really bad Dad Jokes?”

"Fair enough, sorry for erm, summoning you."

Chuck shrugged before 'poofing' out of the room.

Sam sat onto the bed and laid down, staring at the ceiling.

_I need to sort out my head before the wedding. If there’ll even be a wedding... No don't be stupid - I'm getting married. Oh Jesus, I'm getting married, to the Devil. And I'm in love with his brother._

Sam frowned. _Thinking that over and over isn't helping. I need to.. choose? No that'd break Gabe, or me. Or both. Why not both? Because Lu can’t… ugh. Honesty is the best policy, right? We could compromise? Like, Gabe gets weekends or something… Wait, what the hell? Am I car for rental or something? That’s so jacked…_

Gripping at the sheets in frustration, Sam stood and stared himself down in the mirror.

 _You can do this. Man up. You’re a man… I think. Whatever, you are getting married to the love of your life!... But do I want to be? Surely dual marriage is a thing… Polygamy? It must be a thing. Maybe angels believe love should be shared… then again bonding wouldn’t exist... But then, that isn’t the problem, it’s the fact that Lucifer doesn’t want to share… although all this talk of sharing is making me sound like some kind of object. We should just… talk it out. Like adults. I can do that, I know Lu will_ try _to listen._

“Lucifer!” Sam yelled and stared his mirror-self back down. _There you go. You took the first step... Oh Jesus, what have I done?_ What have I done?! _This was a bad idea. I can hear footsteps, he’s coming! Hide! Wait, you’re an adult, don’t be stupid… I wish I could be invisible sometimes. You know that’d be awesome, just go **‘poof’** and people would be like ‘Where’s Sam-’_

“Need me?” The short haired blonde stood worried in the doorway. _Shit._

“Erm,” Sam began eloquently.

Lucifer raised an eyebrow.

“I’m an adult,” Sam started off. Lucifer gave him a concerned look.

“Are you… okay?”

“I’m going to come out and say it bluntly-”

“Sam,” Lucifer cut in gently. “We all know you don’t like to label your sexuality so you don’t have to, even if Dean did.”

“No!” Sam exclaimed. “Let me finish what I was saying. Gabriel had a dream, and I was in it and to put it very, very bluntly, we were....”

Lucifer looked vaguely horrified. Sam opened his mouth to speak and then closed it again before shouting, “We were… er.... we confessed feelings for one another…”

Lucifer gave an intimidating look. “Go. On.” The deep tone of his voice scared Sam slightly.

“We kissed… and since… I’ve been er… conflicted.” Sam finished awaiting Lucifer’s reaction.

“Well… that explains the Taylor Swift. But… you love me, right? It’s why we’re getting married, right?” Lucifer gave Sam an almost saddened look.

“I don’t know Lucifer, I think I…know we… love each other.” As if a spark lit up inside Lucifer, he rapidly punched the mirror to his left, shattering the shards of glass to the floor.His fist contained small pieces of glass, causing blood to drip down onto the floor.

“Repeat that again.” Lucifer slowly approached the Winchester.

“L-Luci please…” Sam whimpered quietly.

“Say it.” Lucifer’s voice came out as a threatening growl.

“W-we l-love each other…” Sam bowed his head quietly. “T-there’s nothing wrong with love. Stop looking down at me and talk to me like I’m your equal and maybe you’ll see that? I _understand_ that you’ve got issues with this, with trusting, but we have _got_ to talk about this like grown ups and not yell at each other or else we’re not going to get anywhere.”

“Equals…? Grown ups…? Do you forget my age?” Lucifer growled.

“Trust me I _try_ to but I know,” Sam laughed nervously. “But after all that time in the cage, _I’m_ pushing 400.”

His after-statement was ignored.

“How can you love him?! He’s an idiot, dramatic and foolish!” Lucifer ran his hands through his hair. “What even is the attraction!?”

“He’s a trickster. You’re the devil. Trust me when I say you both have flaws. He likes to cause mischief, you were set on world domination, you both have… equal problems,” Sam backed off a little. “Have you never encountered the idea that people can be in love with more than one person?”

Lucifer looked frustrated, “Yes, of course, I’m a creature from biblical times so I know all about that, but the fact remains… that you let me give you my heart and then you fall for him and I don’t… understand.”

Sam’s voice softened, “It’s not because of you, I knew him _before_ you, there was always this vague attraction, this _gravity_ between us, but even knowing that you’d killed him didn’t prevent me from somehow falling in love with _you_. I love _both of you_ , not because you’re both archangels, not because of the undeniable physical attraction I feel towards you both, but because it’s who you both are. You’re completely different personality wise, but both of your personalities are amazing and I’m in love with both of them, both of _you_ , equally. The fact that I love him doesn’t change the fact that I love you. _”_

“So what do you plan to do?! Marry us both?” Lucifer stared at the hunter.

“Gabriel has never proposed to me and I don’t know. I still love you and I still want to marry you, just please understand I love you unconditionally…”

Lucifer wrapped Sam in his arms. “I’m very protective Samuel....”

“We’ll work with things as they go… Okay?” Sam spoke softly into Lucifer’s ear.

“Okay…” Lucifer kissed Sam’s forehead gently.

* * *

The archway was clear, white with roses. People were slowly arriving and filling up the venue.

“Its too tight! Does it look too big on me?” The raspy voice of Crowley pierced the air.

“You look fine.” Kevin squeaked.

The two, though undeniably different, stood in matching hot pink tartan outfits. Skirts to the upper thigh and tops tied round the neck, they were a sight to behold. Crowley’s belly ledged over the skirt line whilst Kevin posed and pouted his lips..

“I feel like a bloody fool,” Crowley grumbled. “I don’t know why I agreed to this.”

“We’re like twinsies!” Kevin squealed. “This is awesome!”

Kevin strutted down the bridal way with a moping Crowley in tow, showing off his new twelve inch heels that he found at the discount store, he was so proud. Similarly Crowley wore flat pink shoes, feeling like a midget compared to the mighty giant prophet.  

“Oh, Fergus!” Rowena called. Her dress was made up of red ruffled satin, hugging her waist and plunging at the chest, she looked sophisticated and _deadly_. Kevin repressed a shudder.

“What?” Crowley snapped.

“Stop flirting around with Kevin, I found you a date for the wedding!”

Crowley paled. “You _set me up_ with someone?”

With a flourish, Rowena spun out of the way to reveal Michael, crouched behind where she had stood. He stood up and bowed.

“What in _Hell’s name_ is he wearing?!” Crowley yelled, horrified.

“It matches your dress!” Rowena insisted.

The tuxedo the archangel wore was beyond hideous (in Crowley’s opinion, however Rowena found it oddly charming). The arms were silver, matching the bow-tie and trousers, but the body of the suit was a garish plaid pattern made up of blue, yellow and baby pink. The shirt was checkered and just looking at it made Crowley feel like his eyes had been violated.

Michael confidently, raising his hand and running it through his hair as he quickly winked at Crowley. Kevin stood silent, dumbfounded by the situation laid before him.

“Please! Go on and mingle, Bunting!” Rowena dragged Kevin aside. “They stay put, my darling son is going to have a date and no one is going to interrupt them, do you understand?”

Kevin nodded, scared by the red head. “I’ll protect them with my life.”

“Good boy. I need grandchildren someday soon.” Rowena sighed wistfully.

“Mother!” Crowley shouted, outraged and horrified.

“What, darling? I’m getting old now and you’ve always had such great birthing hips!” Rowena patted Michael as he stared at her, instantly regretting the decision to try to hook up with Crowley.

“I am not having anymore children. You remember what happened to the last one!” Crowley growled.

“They won’t all be sailors, Fergus. Imagine another little you!”

“If I had to look after myself, I’d remind myself of the reason why I am an alcoholic, and no one can be me. Only I can be me.”

“So philosophical! This is precisely the reason that you _should_ have children, my son!”

Crowley groaned, “Mother, please stop.”

“Only when I have my grandchild in my arms, Fergus.”

“Oh, God.” Crowley sighed.

“I could bless the union…?” Chuck wondered.

“No!” Crowley crossed his arms and entered sulking mode.

“What is the matter?” Raphael appeared. Kevin took one look at him and fell to his knees in awe. Raphael wore an old-west styled dress, yellow and frilly adorned with faded lace and orange ribbons and matching orange flowers made of chiffon. He wore a matching bonnet and even had a fluffy parasol to match.

“Have mercy, oh wondrous Goddess.” Kevin whimpered, clutching at the hem of the skirt of Raphael’s dress.

“I don’t understand.” Raphael was perplexed.

“Well, this is the strangest thing I’ve seen in ages. And that’s saying something - I’ve been shopping with Rowena!” Charlie walked over to the accumulating group with Dean in tow. She wore a simple suit with a pacman tie and debonair top hat. Dean wore a plain black suit with a green tie.

“Where’s Cas?” Dean grumbled.

“Hello, Dean.” Dean jumped, turning around and then bursting out in laughter when saw Cas’ attire.

The dress was of similar style to Raphael’s, except it was a light blue and had white trimming and ribbons, it was even tied at the back with a large blue bow and Cas had a matching parasol. He shrugged. “Raphael and I had to coordinate.”

Dean couldn’t stop snickering, but when Cas levelled him with an unimpressed look, he quietened down before saying in a choked voice, “You look… great, Cas.”

“We all like like complete-” Crowley began.

Charlie’s eyes snapped to the back of the house, where the beginning of the “aisle” started, her eyes widened and she shouted; “EVERYONE, SHUT UP! It's starting!”

Everyone took their positions in the audience and the well known guitar riff played from _‘Highway to Hell’_ blared from high up speaker as Sam walked up to the altar. He wore the traditional white tuxedo with a red rose tucked neatly before turning towards the aisle to behold a beautiful sight. Chuck was walking Lucifer down the aisle, and Lucifer...

Lucifer was radiant. Sam couldn’t think of any other way to describe him.

The dress he wore was elegant and pure white. The neckline was modest but showed off his collar bones, the bodice was well-fit and clung to his form in an appealing way. The bodice and skirt were made up of lace patterns over soft charmeuse, the patterning was delicate and subtle. The dress plunged at the back, reaching to the mid of Lucifer’s torso and it had lace sleeves that reached to his elbows.

Sam swallowed nervously.

Death appeared behind the altar as Chuck stepped aside from Lucifer, giving him a warm pat on the back before sitting down. The Archangel joined Sam in front of the altar.

“I can’t believe my Sammy’s all grown up…” Dean whispered to Charlie. She shushed him.

Cas slipped his arm behind Dean’s shoulders and squeezed gently. “Don’t worry, Dean. He’s got his entire life before him.”

Dean was totally not tearing up. He was just… he had allergies, damn it! He sniffed. “I feel like a parent saying goodbye to a kid…”

“We could have children of our own someday, Dean.”

Dean choked and then coughed. Trust Cas to say that kind of thing in a _completely_ casual way, in a _completely_ inappropriate setting, while _not even looking at him._ He whispered furiously, “Cas, you can’t just drop a comment like that on a guy without warning.”

Cas shrugged gently, a small smile tugging at his lips. “You’re adorable when you’re flustered.”

“Cas! Don’t flirt with me during my little brother’s wedding ceremony.” Dean hissed.

 _“We are gathered together here in the sight of God, and in the face of this company, to join together this Man and this... other man in holy Matrimony; which is an honourable estate, instituted of God, signifying unto us the mystical union that is betwixt Christ and his Church.”_ Death recited. He looked bored, as if events as rare as marrying Satan off were a daily occurrence.

 _“... Which holy estate Christ adorned and beautified with his presence and first miracle that he wrought in Cana of Galilee, and is commended of Saint Paul to be honourable among all men: and therefore is not by any to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly; but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly, and in the fear of God.”_ Death rolled his eyes and continued reciting.

 _“Into this holy estate these two persons present come now to be joined. If any man can show just cause, why they may not lawfully be joined together, let him now speak, or else hereafter for ever hold his peace..._ _”_ Death trailed off and looked at his watch.

The doors burst open, and a shouted, “I OBJECT!” could be heard.

Everyone span around to stare at the figure, gasping.

“Gabriel!” Lucifer shouted angrily.

“Gabriel…” Sam sighed.

Gabriel wore a bright pink bra accompanied by one of the fluffiest shortest pink skirts the majority of the audience had ever seen. Wearing pink garters and large, even pinker heels, he carried a boom-box on his shoulder which slightly concealed the cheap stick-on wings that were connected to his bra straps. He dramatically raised his right hand and elegantly pressed play on the boombox. The sound of Taylor Swift with additional poorly-recorded words recorded over the top of certain sections filled the house-turned-chapel.

_“I am not the kind of_ **boy**  
_Who should be rudely barging in on a white veil occasion_  
_But you are not the kind of_ **boy** _  
_ _Who should be marrying the wrong_ **boy**

  _I sneak in and see your friends_  
_And_ **his** _snotty little family all dressed in pastel_  
_And_ **he** _is yelling at a bridesmaid_  
_Somewhere back inside a room  
__Wearing a gown shaped like a pastry_  

_This is surely not what you thought it would be_  
_I lose myself in a daydream  
_ _Where I stand and say_

  _Don’t say "Yes", run away now_  
_I’ll meet you when you’re out of the church at the back door_  
_Don’t wait or say a single vow_  
_You need to hear me out  
__And they said, "Speak now."”_

Everyone stared as the song faded out. Gabriel stood there awkwardly.

“Get out.” Lucifer broke the silence. “Then we continue.”

“I cannot continue Lucifer, the man has not spoke his peace.” Death stood, the smallest smirk ridden across his face. “Gabriel?”

Gabriel choked up slightly, apparently he had not thought all of this out.

“Explain yourself!” Lucifer almost screamed at him. He was clearly trying to remain calm for Sam, but he wasn’t succeeding.

“I…”

“You _what?!”_ Lucifer slowly charged down the aisle, kicking his heels off half way. One hit Crowley square in the nose and knocked him out.

“Fergus!” Rowena’s cry went unnoticed and Michael ignored his unconscious date in favour for the impending explosion that his brothers would undoubtedly cause.

“I love him!” Gabriel spoke, looking at his brother as Lucifer stopped mid charge.

“This is my _wedding_ , Gabriel, how could you be so… selfish to show me up like this? This is supposed to be mine and Sam’s day, walking in like you did is just belittling our bond!” Lucifer hissed.

Gabriel looked slightly abashed but he continued, “I’m in love with Sam, I can’t help it.”

“That’s no reason to turn our wedding into some kind of _joke!_ Well, congratulations Gabriel, you’re the joker of the hour - the spotlight is entirely on you, you got what you wanted, so _leave.”_

Gabriel turned to leave, but then he seemed to find his conviction again. He whipped around to face Lucifer, eyes burning.

“I challenge you to a duel!”

“Fine, _bring it.”_

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're so sorry we haven't updated in so long!


End file.
